What does opening a relationship mean?

How do you open an existing relationship without blowing it apart? It's both thrilling and terrifying to think about: welcoming new experiences while keeping what you already have.

There's no one-size-fits-all meaning, because "open" can look very different from one couple to the next. For some, it might mean you're free to pursue sexual encounters outside the relationship (like swinging or casual dating) while keeping serious romance just for each other. For others, it could involve polyamory, where you maintain multiple loving, committed relationships.

It's a bold choice: instead of secrecy or guilt, you and your partner choose transparency and shared adventure. Before jumping in though, check in with yourselves about why you want this - are you genuinely drawn to it, or do you think you "should" want it for the wrong reasons?

Signs you might want an open relationship

Or maybe you're quietly asking "Am I polyamorous?" These feelings often manifest as subtle signals in your everyday life and fantasies. Here are some common signs you might be inclined toward consensual non-monogamy:

• Monogamy Feels Constricting: You deeply love your partner, yet the idea of being with only one person for life feels limiting or unnatural to you.

• Attraction to Others, Without Waning Love: You notice that even though you are happy in your current relationship, you still develop crushes or strong attractions to other people.

• Desire for Sexual Variety or Experimentation: You have fantasies that involve other people... maybe it's a threesome, or exploring a kink your partner isn't into.

• Confidence in your communication and trust: Do you and your partner talk openly about tough topics? Have you successfully navigated big challenges together through honest conversation? If so, that's a green flag. Perhaps you've even light-heartedly discussed crushes or "celebrity passes" (those hypotheticals about who you'd sleep with if given a free pass).

• Curiosity and philosophical alignment: Maybe you've read The Ethical Slut or watched interviews with polyamorous families, and it just resonated. The idea that love can be abundant rather than scarce just makes sense to you somehow.

Listen to both your fantasies and your realities. Also be mindful of signs that are more about escaping a problem than pursuing something genuine.

How to ask your partner for an open relationship

Now comes the delicate part: bringing it up with your partner. How do you ask for an open relationship in a loving, respectful way?

1. Set the stage with care: Pick a time when you're both relaxed and private, not between errands or when stressed. Maybe after dinner at home, or during a quiet walk. Make sure you're not immediately in a time crunch. You want both of you to feel safe to really talk. It can help to lead in with a note of reassurance: "I want to talk about something that's been on my mind. Our relationship means the world to me, that's why I want to share this." Emphasize that this discussion comes from a place of honesty and love. As nerve-wracking as it is, transparency is ultimately a gift to your partner.

2. Speak From Your Feelings and Desires: Use "I" statements to explain why an open relationship appeals to you. For example: "I love you deeply, and I've noticed I have the capacity to have feelings for others too. I've been thinking about whether we could explore that together in an open relationship." By framing it as your desire (not a failing of your partner), you soften the blow. Make it clear that this isn't because they're inadequate, it's about something you want to experience, not something they lack. Many partners fear "Am I not enough?" so address that gently: affirm how much you value them. You might say, "This isn't about replacing you or about anything missing between us. It's actually because what we have is so strong that I feel safe exploring this idea." Honesty and kindness are your guiding lights here.

3. Invite their thoughts and truly listen: After expressing your feelings, give your partner space to react. Encourage them to share openly - ask questions like, "How does this idea make you feel? What worries or curiosities come up for you?" Then listen without defensiveness. Just introducing the topic is planting a seed. In one couple's story, the wife initially responded with tears and anger when her husband asked, because she thought it meant he didn't love her. But as they talked more in the following days, she understood his true feelings and they eventually decided to experiment slowly. The key was giving her time and empathy.

4. Use examples and resources to spark discussion: Sometimes, abstract talk about open relationships can be hard to grasp. It might help to share a resource with your partner and discuss it together. For instance, you might show them an interview with a happy non-monogamous couple, or read a chapter from "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino or "The Ethical Slut" together. As one psychologist suggests, "Try sharing resources and ask your partner what they think. This can prime the conversation. Educate yourselves on the different types of open relationships, there are many helpful books out there." This approach turns it from a personal plea ("please let me do this") into a joint exploration ("let's learn about this option together"). It also shows your partner that you're taking this seriously enough to do research and that you want them involved in that learning process.

5. Reassure and address fears: Your partner will likely have questions or worries. Common ones include: "Will you fall in love with someone else and leave me?" "Am I going to be hurt?" "How will this work exactly?" Proactively address these. For example, "If I ever felt a strong emotional connection developing with someone, I would tell you and we'd navigate it together. I'm not looking to replace you, I'm looking to add experiences, with you as my anchor." If they're worried about how sex with others might impact your intimacy, acknowledge that it's a common fear and that many open couples even report feeling closer and more sexually satisfied after opening up, because it forces them to improve communication and not take each other for granted. Explain that jealousy is natural and you are prepared to handle it together (we'll cover how later). The more you can show that you have thought about their perspective, the safer they will feel.

6. Start with a Trial or Baby Steps: You don't have to go from zero to full throttle immediately. In fact, one way to make your partner (and you) more comfortable is to suggest a gradual approach. Maybe you start by just opening a dialogue about fantasies, or agreeing that for now you'll only explore together as a couple (for example, hooking up with a third person in a threesome, or going to a swingers' meet and just chatting/flirting to test the waters). You might set a short-term agreement: "Let's try this for three months and then re-evaluate." Knowing it's not an irreversible decision can relieve a lot of pressure. As Midori and other kink experts often advise for any new sexual adventure: establish a safe word or off-switch. In open relationship terms, that might mean agreeing that either of you can call a timeout at any point if it's too much, with no anger or blame. You'll return to monogamy if needed, no questions asked. Framing it as an experiment that you're both in control of can help your partner give a tentative yes rather than a hard no.

7. Don't pressure; give them time: Perhaps the most important part of asking your partner is what happens after the talk. They might say "I need to think" or even "I'm not sure I could ever be okay with that." This is where you must show extraordinary patience and love. Do not issue ultimatums or try to coerce. Nothing will kill trust faster. Instead, agree to keep an open dialogue. Remember: asking for an open relationship is not a one-and-done conversation; it's the first of many. In fact, treat it as ongoing dialogue that will continue throughout your open journey.

By the end of the conversation, regardless of the outcome, your partner should feel that you approached them with honesty, kindness, and respect. That feeling of safety is what will allow them to consider giving this a try. Once you both are on the same page, a mutual "okay, maybe we'll give it a go," the next step is to set some ground rules and boundaries to protect your relationship and emotional well-being.

Open Relationship Rules and Boundaries

Venturing into non-monogamy without clear rules is like setting sail without a compass. In fact, many would say that boundaries are even more important in an open relationship than in a monogamous one.

A few pointers as you craft your guidelines: make them specific, mutual, and adjustable. Both partners need to have input, this isn't one-sided ("I get to do X, you deal with it" is a recipe for disaster). Instead, collaborate on what feels fair. Be as explicit as possible: what exactly is okay, and what's off-limits?

Let’s break down two big categories of boundaries you’ll want to discuss:

Sexual Boundaries in Open Relationships

Sex is often the first thing that comes to mind with the word “open relationship.” Who, how, and where can you have sex outside the primary partnership? Defining your sexual boundaries is crucial to avoid misunderstandings and unintended hurt. Here are key points to consider:

• Types of Sexual Activities Allowed: Are one-night stands okay? How about ongoing friends-with-benefits or secondary relationships? Some couples start with a rule that outside encounters must be purely casual, e.g. "hookups are fine, but no taking someone on romantic dates." Others might be open to deeper connections occurring. You might decide that certain acts are too intimate to share outside.

• Safe Sex Is Non-Negotiable: In open relationships, sexual health becomes a shared responsibility to each other. If you're going to be sexually active with multiple partners, open relationship sex must be safe sex. This means using condoms/dental dams or other barriers for intercourse and oral sex with new partners, until or unless everyone has tested and agreed on other arrangements. It's wise to get full STI tests regularly (e.g. every 3-6 months) and share results with each other. Many couples set a hard rule: always use condoms with others, no exceptions.

• Disclosure and Honesty about Encounters: Sexual boundaries aren't just about the act itself, but also about how you handle it afterwards with your partner. Some couples want to know every time their partner hooks up with someone else, maybe not every graphic detail, but at least a heads up like "I'm going out with X tonight, probably staying over." Other couples prefer a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) approach, where each person does their thing and only informs the other of the basics necessary for safety (if even that).

• People Who Are Off-Limits: It might sound odd, since openness is about freedom, but many couples do set a few “no-go zones” for who is permissible to be with. Common exclusions: close friends, colleagues, exes, or family members of your partner. For instance, your rule might be “please don’t sleep with anyone from our friend circle or workplace.” Why? Because that could create social tangles or constant reminders that make it hard to compartmentalize the outside involvement.

The overarching guideline for sexual boundaries is consent and respect at every level. You and your partner consent to each other’s outside liaisons. Any new person you get involved with must consent to the arrangement (they should know you’re not fully available for a traditional relationship).

Time and Emotional Boundaries

Open relationships don’t just cost “sexual energy”, they also cost time and emotional energy. We each have a limited amount of hours in the day and love in our hearts. Managing those resources fairly is critical.

• Prioritizing "Us Time": When you start seeing other people, it's easy to get caught up in the excitement of new connections (New Relationship Energy, NRE, can feel like a drug!). That's why a fundamental boundary is to not neglect the original relationship. Decide together how you will continue to nurture your bond. For example, you might institute a rule like "Friday nights are our date nights, no matter what." Or "We always have dinner together as a family, even if we had dates separately earlier in the week." By scheduling regular quality time, you ensure that your partner never feels replaced by your other pursuits.

• Fair Time Allocation & Communication: In practical terms, if one partner starts spending a lot of time with someone new, the other partner may feel left out or insecure. This isn't about micromanaging each other's schedule, but about fairness. For instance, you might agree: "Let's not plan more than two nights a week with other partners unless we discuss and both feel okay." Or even "One overnight per week outside is the max for now." Having a guideline like this can prevent the situation where one of you is suddenly away every other night and the one at home feels abandoned.

• Emotional Boundaries: Defining the Line Between Casual and Serious: This is a big one. Many couples opening up start with the intention, "It's just sex, no emotions." You can certainly set that as a boundary, e.g. "No falling in love," "Don't develop a serious relationship with someone else," or even "We only date others together, not separately, to keep things more casual." However, it's important to acknowledge that emotions are tricky to control. You or your partner might catch unexpected feelings despite your best efforts. What then? For example, "If either of us finds ourselves getting emotionally attached to someone, we promise to tell each other sooner rather than later." That way you can reassess boundaries and make sure no one is blindsided.

• Personal Boundaries and Self-Care: Each of you should also identify your own limits. Ask yourself, "What don't I want to know or see?" Some people might say, "I'm okay with you having other partners, but I don't want to see it in front of me, like no making out with someone else when I'm in the same room." That's a valid boundary, you can both agree to keep certain behaviors private to spare feelings.

With your rules and boundaries sketched out, you form a safety net that lets you both step off the ledge into this new experience with more confidence. But even with perfect rules, it's natural that feelings of jealousy can arise. Knowing how to deal with the green-eyed monster is essential, so let's talk about that openly.

Managing Jealousy in Open Relationships

Ah, jealousy, the emotion everyone dreads when contemplating an open relationship. Jealousy in open relationships is not a sign of failure; it's a sign you're human. The goal isn't to never feel jealous (spoiler: you almost certainly will at some point), but to manage jealousy in healthy, constructive ways. In fact, handling jealousy well can bring you and your partner even closer.

First, take it from experienced counselors: assume jealousy will happen and prepare for it. Relationship coach Kathy Labriola, who has worked with countless open couples, advises, "Treat jealousy as a given, it's going to occur, so have strategies ready to address it and minimize the damage." This mindset helps you not panic at the first twinge of envy or insecurity. It doesn't mean you secretly failed; it means you're normal and now you get to practice some emotional jiu-jitsu together.

Here are strategies for how to deal with jealousy in an open relationship:

• Identify the Feelings Underneath: Jealousy is often called a "umbrella emotion" because it actually covers a bunch of more specific feelings: fear of losing your partner, insecurity about yourself, anger at a perceived threat, sadness, etc. When jealousy strikes, take a moment to ask: What exactly am I feeling and why? Maybe you need some reassurance of your unique place in Alex's life.

• Communicate your jealousy, don't hide it: This is hard, but extremely important. Instead, express it to your partner calmly and honestly. Use that same "I" language: "I felt a stab of jealousy last night when you didn't come home until 2 AM. I think I was home alone feeling a bit insecure." This isn't about blaming ("You did something wrong"), it's about sharing your vulnerable feelings so your partner can understand and support you.

• Build in reassurance rituals: As the example above shows, a practical way to manage jealousy is to create plans or rituals for moments it's most likely to hit. Or ask your partner if they'd be willing to check in midday with a phone call or send a selfie of a sweet (but appropriate) moment like "hey, just wanted to say hi, love you" from wherever they are. Some couples use what's jokingly called "compersion call" or "reassurance text", compersion being the joy in your partner's joy.

• Practice Self-Compersion and Perspective-Taking: Compersion is often described as the opposite of jealousy, feeling happy that your partner is experiencing pleasure or love with someone else. It might sound strange if you're new to this, but compersion can be developed. It starts with remembering that your partner's ability to enjoy others doesn't diminish their love for you. One mental exercise: when jealousy pangs strike, try to picture the situation from a different angle. Instead of focusing on your discomfort, imagine your partner having a positive experience, maybe they're laughing, feeling alive, having their needs met. They will come back to you likely happier and fulfilled, which can benefit your relationship too. Sometimes literally reframing it like, "They're not doing this to hurt me, they're doing this to grow and be happy, and I want them to be happy," can soften the edge. This doesn't mean you suppress your pain, but you allow two truths to coexist: "I feel insecure and I'm glad you're enjoying yourself."

• Work on your self-esteem and own life: Jealousy often finds cracks in our self-esteem and pries them open. You might start comparing yourself to your partner's new fling: "He's probably more handsome than me, she must be more exciting, etc." This can spiral. (Do be careful with that though, don't date someone just to make yourself "even" or to make your partner jealous back; that's not healthy.) The point is, nurture your confidence. Remind yourself what you uniquely bring to your partner's life that no one else does. Maybe it's your history together, your inside jokes, the home and family you've built, those are not replaced by a casual new person or even a serious second partner.

• Pause or Adjust if Needed: If jealousy ever becomes overwhelming to the point of agony, it's okay to slow down the pace of your open arrangement. Remember, you and your partner control the dial. Maybe you tried dating separately but it's causing too much distress, you could dial back to only doing things together for a while, or take a break entirely to regroup emotionally. I've seen couples agree on a temporary "closed" period if one partner was going through something (say, mental health struggles or major life stress) and was too emotionally raw to handle additional jealousy triggers, and later resume openness when they felt sturdier. There is no shame in that. Your well-being and the health of your core relationship come first.

One more thing: celebrate the victories. When you do handle a jealous moment well, recognize that as growth. Maybe the first time your partner went on a date, you cried and felt horrible. But the third time, you only felt a slight unease and were able to enjoy your evening alone, genuinely happy they were having fun. That's progress! Share that with your partner: "Hey, I was okay tonight. I'm proud of that, and I appreciate you checking in with me, it helped." They'll likely be relieved and proud too. Managing jealousy is an ongoing practice, like yoga or meditation. The difference is, they know it will pass and they have trust that their relationship can weather it.

Opening Your Marriage: Special Considerations for Married Couples

If you're opening a marriage, you're likely dealing with a long-established relationship with deep commitments, perhaps legal ties, shared finances, a home, kids, in-laws, the works. Transitioning a traditional marriage to an open marriage can be both more challenging and quite rewarding. Here are some special considerations and tips for married couples (or similarly long-term committed partners) considering an open relationship:

1. Reaffirm Your Foundation: Before you venture out, make sure your marital foundation is on solid ground. Opening up will exaggerate any cracks that already exist. If you’ve been fighting a lot or barely having sex or considering divorce, it’s not a good time to open your marriage. As one expert bluntly put it, “An open relationship won't fix your union if it's broken... Opening up a weak relationship will probably destroy it.”

2. Go Slow, There's No Rush: Many married couples find it useful to dip a toe in rather than cannonball. You have perhaps decades of monogamy behind you; shifting gears overnight can be jarring. Consider starting with smaller steps: maybe try swinging (where you hook up with others together, at the same event) before independent dating. Some start with a one-time hall pass, e.g. as a 40th birthday gift one partner gets a free night of fun, and see how you both feel after. Or try a threesome with someone both of you are comfortable with; it keeps you physically together, experiencing the openness as a unit. Monogamish arrangements (mostly monogamous with rare exceptions) can also be a gentle way to start.

3. Integrate Family and Home Life Thoughtfully: One big question for married folks: How will this affect our family routines and possibly our children (if you have any)? Indeed, if you have kids, you need to consider what and how much to explain to them, and how to maintain a stable environment for them. Many polyamorous parents choose to be discreet and not introduce casual partners to their kids. A common guideline is to only introduce someone to the children if that person has become a more serious, long-term partner and it’s important for them to be part of family life. Even then, they might be introduced as a “friend.” Young kids in particular don’t need details of their parents’ love lives. What they do need is to feel secure and have consistency. So ensure your open marriage doesn’t result in broken promises to your kids or missed soccer games because you’re out with a lover. Parental responsibilities remain paramount. A

4. Address Legal and Financial Boundaries: Marriage comes with legal factors. While dating someone else won’t directly change your legal status, there are considerations. If you live somewhere where adultery could affect divorce proceedings (rare nowadays but possible in some jurisdictions or certain religious marriages), you might even consider a postnuptial agreement or at least understand the risks. On the financial side, consider boundaries like: not spending large sums of joint money on outside partners, or not commingling finances with a new partner. It might sound unromantic, but I’ve seen cases where one spouse started lavishing expensive gifts or trips on a new lover, and the other spouse felt not only emotionally hurt but financially betrayed. Agree on what’s acceptable spending and what’s not, and perhaps set a budget for dating expenses.

5. Manage power imbalances: In some marriages, one spouse is significantly more likely to find outside partners than the other (due to time, attractiveness, outgoingness, whatever). Be mindful of not letting an unspoken power imbalance fester. The busier partner should frequently check in: "Are you feeling okay with how this is going? Do you need more from me?" And the less-busy partner should speak up about loneliness or envy if it arises. Maybe you rebalance by spending more couple time for a period, or the active partner helps the other perhaps create an online dating profile or invites them along to events to meet people. In a healthy open marriage, both spouses' needs and comfort matter equally, even if their external "success" is unequal.

6. Leverage your communication history: The advantage you have as a married couple is you likely have years of communication tools and understanding of each other. Use that! You might already know, for example, that when your partner is upset they get quiet and need a bit of time alone before talking, so you won't panic if that happens after the first date night. You know each other's love languages, now is the time to really speak them. You've weathered other life changes together (moving, job changes, having children, losses, etc.). Remind yourselves of those successes.

7. Deal with public perception (if needed): Married couples often face an external challenge: societal expectations. Marriage is "supposed" to be monogamous, many people assume. You might get nosy questions if someone spots you or your spouse on a date with another person. Have a game plan for handling that. Some use a playful approach: "Oh, that was my friend; we just hang out sometimes." Others choose honesty: "We have an open marriage. It might not be for everyone, but it works for us." Be prepared for raised eyebrows or unsolicited opinions. Stick together and decide how "out" you want to be.

After all, you chose each other "for better or worse," think of consensual non-monogamy as perhaps one of those "better" times if navigated well, but be ready to support each other if it brings any "worse" times too. With that solid marital bond, let's look more broadly: do open relationships work in general, and what makes them succeed?

Do Open Relationships Work? Success Tips and Statistics

A common question is "Do open relationships work?" or more skeptically, "Can open relationships ever work long-term?" The short answer is yes, they can, but success isn't guaranteed (just as it isn't in monogamy either). It depends on the people involved and how they handle the lifestyle. Let's explore some evidence and tips around success, and bust the myth that non-monogamous relationships are doomed to fail.

Open Relationship Success by the Numbers: Research in recent years has started to shed light on the outcomes of consensual non-monogamy. One eye-opening stat: approximately 1 in 5 Americans has engaged in some form of consensual non-monogamous relationship in their lifetime. That means it's more common than many think, you likely know someone who's tried it (even if they haven't told you). As for happiness, multiple studies have found no significant difference in relationship satisfaction between people in monogamous relationships and those in open or polyamorous ones. For example, a 2018 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that individuals in consensually open relationships had equal levels of relationship satisfaction and psychological well-being compared to those in monogamous relationships. In fact, some participants reported greater sexual satisfaction when they opened up to address mismatched needs. Another study highlighted by Psychology Today noted that older adults in open relationships actually reported being happier and healthier than the general population of their peers. So the narrative that "open relationships never work" isn't supported by data, many people thrive in them.

That said, statistics also show that open relationships, like all relationships, can end. THEY'RE NOT A MAGIC TICKET TO ETERNAL BLISS; THEY REQUIRE WORK. IT'S HARD TO PIN DOWN EXACT "SUCCESS RATES" BECAUSE SUCCESS MEANS DIFFERENT THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. Is a relationship that eventually ends a failure? Not necessarily; many would say it was successful for the time it lasted and what it taught them. That nuance aside, anecdotal evidence suggests that open relationships tend to work best when they are entered into by informed, consenting, enthusiastic partners, not as a last resort nor under coercion.

Qualities of Successful Open Relationships: Through observation and the wisdom of experts, here are some hallmarks of open relationships that work:

• High Trust and Honesty: This is non-negotiable. Successful open couples are brutally honest with each other, even when it's hard, even when it hurts.

• Communication, Communication, Communication: If monogamy requires good communication, ethical non-monogamy requires super-communication. The most successful open relationships have partners who talk regularly and deeply about their feelings, schedule, needs, and so on.

• Respect for All Involved: Successful open relationships extend respect and empathy not just between the primary partners, but to any additional partners as well. This means you don't treat outside people as disposable playthings or "homewreckers," you treat them as human beings with feelings. Even if you never meet your partner's lover, you recognize that your actions affect them and vice versa. Couples who succeed tend to avoid the pitfall of "couple's privilege" dominating every decision in a cruel way. Yes, your primary relationship comes first, but that doesn't mean others are treated unfairly.

• Flexibility and Adaptability: Life changes, people change, feelings change, successful open relationships roll with it. Maybe initially you were okay with casual flings only, but a year later one of you has a more serious secondary partner whom you care about. Can your relationship adapt to become a bit polyamorous? Or conversely, maybe you tried full polyamory and found it overwhelming, so you retreat to a more limited openness. Being willing to renegotiate terms as needed is crucial. As one polyamorous motto goes, "Customize your commitments." Over time, you'll find what style of openness suits you best and that may not be what you expected at the start. Couples who hold rigidly to an agreement despite it making one or both miserable are heading for a breaking point. Whereas those who sit down and say "Okay, this part isn't working, how can we tweak it?" tend to last.

In conclusion, can open relationships work? They can work beautifully for many people, bringing personal growth, increased intimacy, and lots of love (and fun!) into their lives. But like any rewarding venture, they require effort, communication, and care. The "success tips" above (trust, communication, respect, flexibility) are your toolkit. Now, to further boost your chances, let's look at some common mistakes to avoid so you can sidestep the known pitfalls.

Common open relationship mistakes to avoid

Here are some common open relationship mistakes and how to avoid them:

• Pushing a Partner Who Isn't Truly Willing: Perhaps the number one mistake is one partner dragging the other into openness against their genuine wishes. If one of you is saying "I really don't want this" and the other is saying "well, too bad, we're doing it," that's a recipe for disaster.

• Opening a Broken Relationship (as a "Band-Aid"): This mistake is the inverse: things have been bad, lots of fighting, or disconnection, maybe even infidelity, and instead of addressing those issues, a couple decides "Maybe opening up will fix it." The harsh truth is, opening will not fix underlying problems; it will amplify them. If you're lacking trust or intimacy, adding more people to the mix won't fill the void between you two.

• Lack of Communication or Avoiding Hard Conversations: By now we've belabored how crucial communication is, so naturally, a big mistake is skimping on it. This can happen in subtle ways. Maybe you both agree to rules early on, but then you never revisit them even as feelings change. Or one partner is feeling increasingly jealous or hurt, but keeps it to themselves to "be cool" until one day they explode. The mistake is thinking that not talking about it will keep things smoother. In truth, secrets and unresolved feelings are ticking time bombs.

• Breaking the Agreed-Upon Rules (Cheating within Non-Monogamy): It might sound odd, but yes, you can cheat in an open relationship. Cheating fundamentally is about betrayal of trust and breaking agreements. If you have clear rules and one of you violates them in secret, that's cheating. For example, if the rule is "no unprotected sex" and you do it and hide it, that's a breach of trust. Or if you agreed to always inform each other before sleeping with someone new, and one person lies about it or covers it up, that's cheating. Ironic as it seems, this is a common pitfall: people treat the open agreement as an excuse to get away with stuff on the side that actually wasn't sanctioned. Perhaps they think, "well, I'm already allowed some freedom, maybe I can push this boundary and they'll never know." This always backfires. Once discovered (and usually it comes out eventually), the betrayed partner often feels even more hurt than by cheating in a monogamous scenario, because they feel, "We agreed to be honest and I gave you freedom, and you STILL lied, that cuts deep." To avoid this, hold yourself to high standards of integrity. If something happens outside the lines of your agreement, own up to it (as mentioned). And if you find you're wanting to break rules frequently, that indicates maybe the rules aren't fitting or you weren't ready for certain limits, which should be addressed together, not via secret defiance. Trust is your currency; don't devalue it.

• Neglecting the Primary Relationship: It's easy to get caught up in the thrill of new partners and inadvertently put your original relationship on the back burner. This neglect can be slow and subtle, a missed date night here, less sexual intimacy with your partner because you're always spent from seeing others, fewer deep conversations because you're texting your new flame all evening. Your partner might start feeling like they're no longer a priority, and that breeds resentment and loneliness. One of the cardinal rules should be to nourish the primary bond consistently (assuming you have a primary structure; if you're polyamorous with no hierarchy, then ensure you're not neglecting any committed partner without communication about it). Make time, continue romantic and sexual gestures, and show your partner that as you expand your world, they are still the center of it (or at least co-center, however your paradigm is).

• Ignoring Jealousy or Emotional Pain (Stoic Syndrome): On the flip side of communication lapses, some people try to be too stoic, they think they should just swallow all negative feelings to seem "cool" and not rock the boat. They may believe expressing jealousy or limits is un-polyamorous or uncool. This can lead to one partner silently enduring misery, which is unsustainable. It's a mistake to equate being a "good" open partner with never having complaints or needs. You're allowed to say "This is too much for me" or "I need more reassurance" or "Can we slow down?" If you ignore your own emotional needs out of pride or fear, you'll either blow up later or sink into depression or resentment. Neither is good for the relationship. Drop the ego, being vulnerable about struggling doesn't make you a bad poly person; it makes you an honest one. And it gives your partner a chance to step up and support you. Remember, managing jealousy doesn't mean pretending it isn't there, it means acknowledging and coping with it together.

• Introducing New Partners too Deeply, too Fast: For those practicing a hierarchical open relationship (primary/secondary), a mistake can be blurring those lines prematurely. For instance, inviting a new partner into your shared home or having them spend lots of time with your kids right away can destabilize things. It might not give your family or partner enough time to adjust. Keep initial meetings with new partners in neutral spaces. Gradually ease into any entwinement with your everyday life, and only if everyone is comfortable. Many eventually become like extended family, but that trust and comfort has to be built.

We've covered a lot of "don'ts" here. The positive spin: most of these mistakes are avoided by doing the opposite, communicate lots, treat each other with kindness, be honest, take it slow, prioritize your bond, and so on. It's how you handle the screw-up that matters.

No matter how your open relationship evolves, the fact that you're approaching it thoughtfully (e.g., reading a complete guide on how to open a relationship like this, kudos!) is a sign that you're stacking the deck for success.