Finding Partners for Your Open Relationship
Once you and your partner feel ready, a big question looms: How do we find people to date or play with? We'll look at open relationship dating from both sides: what it's like seeking partners when you're already coupled up, and what it means for singles who might date someone in an open relationship.
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1. Be Transparent and Proud in Online Dating
In today's world, online apps are a common way to meet partners. The good news is many dating platforms now cater to or at least allow profiles for non-monogamous folks. Apps like OkCupid have specific settings for non-monogamy and let you link your profile with your partner’s if you want. There’s also Feeld (a popular app for couples and singles looking for threesomes, poly relationships, and kink) and Polyamory-specific groups or sites such as PolyMatchmaker or certain Facebook/Meetup groups with online components. When using mainstream apps like Tinder, Bumble, or Hinge, it's crucial to state your open relationship status clearly in your bio. Something like "married and open" or "ethically non-monogamous, partner knows I'm here" works fine. Upfront honesty filters out folks who aren't cool with it and brings in the ones who are; you'd be surprised how many people don't mind, they just wanna know what's up. One study found around 5% of people in the U.S. are currently in open relationships, and many more are open to the idea. Honesty also prevents awkward or dangerous situations (like someone falling for you thinking you're single, only to learn you're married... ouch). You’ll likely get messages from other non-monogamous folks or the “unicorns” (singles open to dating couples). Craft your profile to highlight yourself as an individual (you’re not just an appendage of a couple), and mention what kind of arrangement you have so potential matches know what to expect (e.g., “Solo poly woman, primary partner at home, looking for secondary connection,” or “Happily married and dating separately, seeking fun and friendship, maybe more.”). It can also be helpful to mention if your partner is or is not open to meeting metamours, etc., for clarity, though that can be discussed later as well.
2. Leverage Niche Communities and Events
Aside from swiping apps, consider exploring spaces specifically meant for poly and open people. Many cities have Polyamory Meetups, social mixers where you can meet like-minded individuals in a friendly environment. There are also events like discussion groups, workshops, or conferences on ethical non-monogamy. These can be good for learning stuff and meeting folks; sometimes you click with someone, or people play matchmaker and connect you with their friends. Swinger clubs or parties are another venue if your aim is more sexual and as a couple. These range from formal clubs to informal house parties. If you're new to swinging, maybe check one out as an observer first to get a feel for it. Websites like FetLife can help you find local events and communities. Reddit has groups like r/polyamory or r/nonmonogamy that sometimes organize meetups or share tips on where to find partners. Even hobby groups or classes can be fertile ground; basically anywhere you meet people, there could be potential, but being open means you'll have to disclose your situation early. Some open couples find partners through their existing friend circles, but tread carefully there to avoid social fallout. Only approach friends who have given signals of being open-minded or who you know are interested; and ensure if it goes poorly, it won't ruin your friendship group.
3. Decide: Together, Separately, or Both?
Before actively seeking, clarify whether you plan to date as a duo (e.g., looking for a threesome or triad partner) or independently. Many couples new to this start by seeking a “unicorn”, colloquially meaning a bisexual woman willing to date (and often sleep with) both members of a couple. Unicorns are wonderful but understandably not super common; lots of couples look for them, fewer singles want that exact scenario. So if that’s your aim, be respectful (unicorns often fear being treated as disposable or a toy) and consider not calling them “unicorn” directly in outreach because some find it objectifying. Offer genuine friendship and connection, not just a fantasy fulfillment. If you’re dating separately, then each of you might be on apps solo or going to events solo. Some couples also do both: maybe they swing together on occasion, and also have separate relationships. Just be clear with anyone you meet what kind of involvement you’re looking for. A profile like “Couple looking for a third for fun times” will draw a different crowd than individual profiles with no mention of your partner. Neither is wrong; just target appropriately. If you have separate profiles but you are open to a playdate as a trio if it clicks, you can mention “Also open to something with my partner involved if that’s of interest, but not required.” This transparency helps avoid awkward situations later (like you start dating someone and months in go “hey want to join me and my wife for a threesome?” and they feel blindsided because they thought it was always going to be one-on-one).
4. For Those Dating Someone in an Open Relationship
If you're single (or not the primary partner) and find yourself dating someone in an open relationship, it's important to approach it with eyes open. First, ensure their open status is legitimate; unfortunately, a few dishonest people claim to be in an open relationship when it's actually just cheating. You have every right to (kindly) ask, "Does your partner know you're dating others? Are they also seeing other people?" Some singles even prefer to meet the primary partner early on or get a thumbs-up from them, which can provide peace of mind that everything is above-board. Second, know your own boundaries and needs. Can you handle not being their #1 for holidays and big life stuff? Some folks are cool with something more flexible, others get attached and want exclusivity. Figure that out early so you don't get hurt later. It's totally fine to say "I'm down to try this, but here's what I need too." Talking things through, with your person and maybe even their partner if everyone's comfortable, helps everyone stay on the same page. Third, expect respect. Just because you're not the primary doesn't mean you should get treated like crap; your time and feelings matter. For example, if your open partner cancels dates with you last-minute repeatedly "because my primary had an issue," that might happen occasionally (primary emergencies do take precedence), but if it becomes a pattern, speak up. A healthy open dynamic values everyone's dignity. Also, clarify the rules you are expected to honor; perhaps their rule is you can't call them during family dinner hours, or no spontaneous drop-ins. Knowing boundaries upfront prevents awkward mistakes. Dating someone who's partnered can feel kinda freeing (less pressure, more independence) but it can also suck when they head home to their spouse and you're alone. Make sure you've got your own life and support system. If you start wanting more than they can offer, that's worth thinking about. The whole thing works best when everyone's talking openly and honestly.
5. Safety and Etiquette: Whether you’re the open couple or the person dating one, standard dating safety applies: meet new people in public first, let someone know where you’ll be, etc. Additionally, within the ENM context, practice safer sex diligently (we mentioned this in rules but it bears repeating in practice). If you're meeting folks from kink communities or swinger parties, do your homework and learn the consent rules. And don't gossip or trash-talk people. The ENM world can be small; treat others kindly and you'll build a good reputation, which can in turn lead to more connections. Couples should avoid coming across as a predatory or overly picky "unit"; treat any potential third person as an equal, not a plaything. Single folks should avoid chasing after someone’s partner in a way that disrespects their primary relationship agreements. Essentially: be a good human, and expect the same of others.
Finding partners may take time. You might face some rejections (not everyone is comfortable dating a non-monogamous person)... don't be discouraged. More people are curious about this stuff these days, so you'll find interest. Go at whatever pace feels right. Maybe you score a coffee date tomorrow, or perhaps you enjoy a few months just flirting and browsing profiles together, which can be a bonding experience in itself. There's no rush to "rack up partners"; quality over quantity. And when you do start connecting with new people, remember to keep communicating with your original partner, including sharing the joys. Many couples find that telling each other stories of a fun date (within comfort limits) actually increases intimacy.
Embarking on open relationship dating can feel like entering a whole new dating world... because it is! But with openness (pun intended), respect, and a sense of adventure, it can be one of the most enriching parts of your journey. If challenges arise around new partners (and they might), sometimes having an objective third party's help is useful; which brings us to the role of couples therapy in open relationships.