What 11,000 Couples Taught Us About Kink, Communication, and Connection
A Community Portrait from BeMoreKinky | February 2026
What We Learned at a Glance
- At its heart, kink is about warmth. The most universally embraced activities (acceptance rates above 75% across all role types) are cuddles, verbal praise, and being held from behind.
- People grow into their desires. Those with more experience are more open across every category. Non-monogamy shows the steepest journey: 32% openness among beginners versus 46% among the most experienced.
- Couples find common ground most easily on bondage (74% concordance) and navigate roleplay with the most care (56%). Bondage produces only 6% disagreement between partners while roleplay produces 17%.
- Device preferences reveal clear role identities. The 51-point gap on the rabbit vibrator is the largest role divergence we see. Male-oriented devices like the masturbation sleeve flip the pattern entirely.
- "Good girl" is the lingua franca of kink. With 77% acceptance, it is the most-rated title. The male equivalent ("Good Boy") is accepted at nearly identical rates but has approximately 27 times fewer ratings, a gap worth closing.
- Couples lead with encouragement, not punishment. In the task system, rewards outnumber consequences 1.3 to 1, and submissives are the top self-assigners of tasks, using the system for self-discipline, not just partner-directed obedience.
- The community is thoughtful about its edges. Fewer than 1% of quiz-takers progressed to the sadism profile. People prioritize safety and foundational knowledge first.
- Even in a community that has chosen to explore kink, public humiliation and extreme degradation are near-universally declined, with acceptance rates below 3%, showing that this community has clear, shared boundaries around dignity.
About This Report
What Is BeMoreKinky?
BeMoreKinky is a mobile app for couples to explore, communicate, and negotiate BDSM and kink activities together. Couples express preferences on hundreds of specific activities, propose play sessions, assign power-exchange tasks, and take personality profiles. With 11,000 monthly active users, it is the largest dedicated BDSM communication platform for couples. The broader platform, including a BDSM education blog, reaches over 200,000 monthly visitors.
Privacy First: How We Protect Our Community
Given the intimate nature of this app, we want to be completely transparent about what this report is, and what it isn't.
We have no access to your personal information. BeMoreKinky is built on a privacy-by-design architecture. Here's what that means in practice:
- No names or email addresses appear in this analysis, or anywhere we can access. Email addresses are irreversibly hashed (SHA-256) before being stored for analytics. We literally cannot reverse them. Names are not stored in any analytics system.
- All chat messages are end-to-end encrypted using XSalsa20-Poly1305. Your private encryption keys never leave your device. Our servers relay messages but cannot read them. Chat data was excluded from this report entirely. We couldn't include it even if we wanted to.
- Task and journal content is encrypted at rest with AES-256, using keys derived from your account. We cannot read your task descriptions or journal entries.
- This analysis looked only at anonymous patterns: whether one anonymous ID rated an activity as "yes," "no," or "maybe," and whether that ID's partner ID rated the complementary activity the same way. At no point could we connect any preference to a real person.
In short: we built this app knowing that people would trust it with their most private desires. Everything described in this report comes from fully anonymized, aggregate patterns. We see that someone said yes to blindfolding. We have no idea who, and we designed it that way on purpose.
What We Looked At
This report draws on aggregate patterns from October 2024 through February 2026, spanning approximately 2,000 unique activities rated, 34 personality tests, and 22 quizzes.
Who This Reflects
This is a portrait of a self-selected community: people who downloaded a BDSM-focused app and chose to engage with its features. Demographic fields were optional and frequently left blank (~59% null rate on gender). The patterns reflect stated preferences and app interactions, not necessarily what happens behind closed doors. This is a snapshot of how our community communicates desire, and it's a community we're proud of.
What Our Community Embraces
The Most Universally Loved Activities
When couples rate individual activities as "yes," "no," or "maybe," a clear picture emerges, and it's not what most people would expect from a BDSM app.
Most Accepted BDSM Activities
| Activity | Category | Role | Acceptance Rate |
|---|---|---|---|
| Call them your toy | Submissive Names | Dom | 100.0% |
| Hear: "I'm yours." | Soft Domination | Dom | 97.2% |
| Offer a warm cuddle | Soft Domination | Dom | 95.3% |
| Receive a warm cuddle | Soft Domination | Sub | 95.0% |
| Tie both wrists to bed corners | Bondage | Dom | 94.9% |
| Be held from behind | Soft Domination | Sub | 94.9% |
| Receive verbal praise | Soft Domination | Sub | 94.7% |
| Wrap arms around from behind | Soft Domination | Dom | 94.6% |
| Give verbal praise | Soft Domination | Dom | 94.5% |
| Tie one wrist to headboard | Bondage | Dom | 94.4% |
The pattern is clear: the most embraced "BDSM activities" are cuddles, praise, and light bondage. Even in a community that has chosen to explore kink, warmth and affirmation top the list.
The Preference Landscape
Aggregating across all activities, categories range from Soft Domination and Praise (75-82% acceptance) and Bondage (72-86%) at the top, through Sensation Play, Sensual, and Femdom in the middle, down to Psychological Play, Dominant Names, and Non-monogamy (30-46%) at the lower end.
When broken down by role identity, four patterns stand out:
- Bondage is equally popular across all roles. Dominants and submissives accept it at virtually identical rates (~80%).
- Switches are the most open to devices and non-monogamy, consistent with a more exploratory orientation.
- Submissives accept Femdom at higher rates than dominants (59.4% vs 54.1%).
- Roleplay shows the largest role gap: 51.3% acceptance among dominants vs. 37.1% among submissives.
Where the Community Draws the Line
Activities with acceptance rates below 4% are concentrated in extreme humiliation, degradation naming, and public exposure.
Least Accepted Activities
| Activity | Category | Acceptance Rate |
|---|---|---|
| Eat dog biscuits at work | Psychological Play | 1.8% |
| Eat dog or cat food (human-safe) | Psychological Play | 2.6-3.7% |
| Hold embarrassing sign in public | Psychological Play | 2.6-3.9% |
| Post embarrassing content on social media | Psychological Play | 3.3-3.8% |
| Call them a "Deadbeat" | Submissive Names | 3.4% |
| Call them a "Piglet" | Submissive Names | 3.4% |
| Be called a "Worm" | Submissive Names | 3.4% |
The boundary is clear and telling: it's not around pain, power, or even private humiliation. It's around public exposure and loss of dignity outside the relationship. This community protects the line between play and real life.
The Good Girl Effect: How Our Community Uses Language in Power Exchange
One of the most revealing windows into how couples communicate is what they want to be called during intimate encounters. The naming preferences reveal a clear gendered asymmetry.
Top Titles by Acceptance Rate (10+ responses)
| Title | Role | Acceptance Rate |
|---|---|---|
| Call them your toy | Dom | 100.0% |
| Call them good girl | Dom | 81.2% |
| Call them a good girl | Dom | 76.8% |
| Be called a "Good Boy" | Sub | 75.3% |
| Call them my girl | Dom | 74.6% |
| Call them a naughty one | Dom | 72.3% |
| Call them a "Fucktoy" | Dom | 70.4% |
| Call them sir | Sub | 69.5% |
| Call them a "Slut" | Dom | 69.5% |
| Be called sir | Dom | 68.0% |
| Be called good girl | Sub | 66.2% |
Three patterns stand out:
The giving-receiving gap. Dominants accept "Call them a good girl" at 76.8%, but submissives accept "Be called good girl" at a lower 66.2%. This 10-point gap suggests that the desire to bestow the title is stronger than the desire to receive it, a dynamic that could create pressure if not communicated.
The gender asymmetry. "Good Boy" has a nearly identical acceptance rate to "Good Girl" (75.3% vs. 76.8%), but received approximately 27 times fewer ratings. The acceptance is comparable; the demand is not. Kink communication is overwhelmingly structured around feminine-coded submissive language.
Degradation vs. endearment. Terms like "Fucktoy" (70.4%), "Slut" (69.5%), and "Brat" (64.7%) are accepted at rates only slightly below endearing terms. The same population accepts both at similar rates, suggesting these exist on a spectrum rather than in opposition. The line falls between terms that acknowledge the person's sexuality ("Slut," "Fucktoy") and terms that deny personhood entirely ("Worm," "Nothing").
Growing Together: How Preferences Evolve with Experience
Community members self-report their experience level on a 1-4 scale. Across every single category, openness increases with experience. There are no exceptions.
Acceptance Rate (%) by Experience Level
| Category | Level 1 | Level 2 | Level 3 | Level 4 | Change (L1→L4) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Bondage | 71.9 | 73.6 | 75.6 | 85.7 | +13.7 |
| Soft Domination | 75.0 | 73.7 | 76.9 | 82.2 | +7.2 |
| Sensation Play | 65.2 | 62.0 | 68.0 | 73.2 | +8.1 |
| Sensual | 62.7 | 63.3 | 66.3 | 69.7 | +7.1 |
| Femdom | 51.8 | 50.9 | 54.1 | 59.8 | +8.0 |
| Devices | 49.8 | 44.7 | 47.3 | 58.6 | +8.8 |
| Fantasies | 48.5 | 46.3 | 50.9 | 54.9 | +6.4 |
| Roleplay | 46.9 | 39.7 | 45.4 | 50.4 | +3.5 |
| Submissive Names | 45.9 | 41.7 | 41.8 | 46.4 | +0.5 |
| Dominant Names | 38.1 | 36.7 | 38.6 | 44.8 | +6.7 |
| Psychological Play | 37.3 | 34.5 | 38.7 | 49.4 | +12.1 |
| Non-monogamy | 32.4 | 30.3 | 35.8 | 46.0 | +13.5 |
Three categories show particularly steep gradients:
- Non-monogamy rises 13.5 points, the largest absolute shift. At Level 1, fewer than one in three accept it; at Level 4, nearly half do.
- Bondage climbs 13.7 points, reaching the highest absolute acceptance of any category at Level 4 (85.7%).
- Psychological Play jumps 12.1 points, suggesting comfort with mind-game dynamics develops through experience rather than initial attraction.
Submissive Names shows almost no experience gradient (+0.5 points), suggesting naming preferences are personality-driven rather than experience-driven.
Finding Common Ground: Where Couples Align (and Where They Navigate)
One of the most powerful things about this community is the willingness to communicate. Because partners independently rate complementary activities (e.g., one rates "Blindfold them" and the other rates "Be blindfolded"), we can see where couples naturally align and where they need to talk things through.
Concordance by Category
| Category | Concordance | Mutual Yes | Mutual No | Conflict |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Bondage | 74.2% | 67.2% | 2.4% | 6.3% |
| Soft Domination | 73.0% | 65.6% | 3.9% | 8.7% |
| Fantasies | 66.7% | 39.4% | 22.8% | 11.1% |
| Sensation Play | 65.9% | 53.0% | 6.8% | 9.5% |
| Psychological Play | 65.5% | 25.9% | 34.4% | 11.0% |
| Non-monogamy | 64.7% | 26.3% | 32.2% | 11.2% |
| Submissive Names | 64.4% | 29.9% | 30.7% | 14.7% |
| Femdom | 63.3% | 43.1% | 16.4% | 13.2% |
| Sensual | 63.0% | 52.0% | 5.3% | 11.6% |
| Dominant Names | 59.6% | 24.6% | 29.9% | 14.1% |
| Roleplay | 56.2% | 27.7% | 22.0% | 16.9% |
The Conflict column is the most interesting. It measures how often one partner says yes while the other says no. These are the conversations couples are being empowered to have.
Bondage has the lowest conflict rate (6.3%). When couples agree on bondage, it is overwhelmingly because they both want it (67.2% mutual yes vs. only 2.4% mutual no). Bondage is the "safest bet" in terms of partner alignment.
Psychological Play and Non-monogamy show high concordance through mutual rejection. Psychological Play has 34.4% mutual no; Non-monogamy has 32.2%. These categories generate agreement on boundaries, not desires.
Roleplay generates the most conflict (16.9%). Nearly one in six roleplay pairs produces disagreement, likely because specific scenarios depend on individual fantasy preferences that are harder to predict from general kink orientation.
What Couples Most Want Together
The top mutually-desired activity pairs, where one partner independently said "yes" to giving and the other said "yes" to receiving, show what couples are most excited to share.
Top Mutually Desired Activity Pairs
| Activity Pair (Dom / Sub) | Category | Mutual Yes | Conflict |
|---|---|---|---|
| Blindfold them / Be blindfolded | Sensation Play | 88.2% | 3.2% |
| Build anticipation / Experience anticipation | Sensation Play | 84.5% | 3.9% |
| Leave hidden notes / Find surprise messages | Sensual | 76.8% | 6.6% |
| Apply sensory reduction / Experience it | Sensation Play | 72.3% | 5.6% |
| Call them good girl / Be called good girl | Submissive Names | 72.1% | 13.3% |
| Call them my girl / Be called my girl | Submissive Names | 67.2% | 14.4% |
| Strip Poker Night / Same | Roleplay | 63.1% | 15.1% |
| Apply textured touch / Experience it | Sensation Play | 54.1% | 8.4% |
Blindfolding is the single most agreed-upon activity pair: 88.2% of couples mutually want it, with only 3.2% in disagreement. Both blindfolding and anticipation-building are fundamentally about creating psychological tension rather than physical sensation, reinforcing the theme that for this community, the mental dimension of kink matters most.
The naming pair "Call them good girl / Be called good girl" ranks with 72.1% mutual yes but also 13.3% conflict, the highest conflict rate in the top entries. The giving-receiving gap identified earlier likely accounts for much of this disagreement.
The Device Divide: How Role Identity Shapes Preferences
Devices are the most role-polarized category, and the patterns are revealing.
Device Acceptance by Role Identity and Perspective
| Device | Give (Doms) | Give (Subs) | Receive (Doms) | Receive (Subs) |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Wand massager | 93.8% | 83.3% | 62.8% | 91.7% |
| Remote-controlled vibrator | 92.6% | 65.2% | 39.1% | 87.5% |
| G-spot vibrator | 91.0% | 63.6% | 34.3% | 82.6% |
| Simple vibrator | 90.7% | 57.1% | 34.6% | 83.3% |
| Rabbit vibrator | 88.5% | 43.5% | 23.7% | 75.0% |
| Nipple clamps | 86.3% | 52.2% | 30.8% | 66.7% |
| Butt plug | 86.1% | 61.9% | 34.4% | 81.0% |
| Masturbation sleeve | 19.3% | 59.1% | 65.4% | 34.8% |
| Penis pump | 11.3% | 35.0% | 44.5% | 30.4% |
The table reveals a clear X-shaped pattern: doms want to give and subs want to receive, with the off-diagonal cells consistently low. This is the clearest empirical signature of role identity in the dataset.
The rabbit vibrator marks the maximum divergence. The 51-point gap between doms wanting to receive (23.7%) and subs wanting to receive (75.0%) is the largest single role divergence across any activity.
Male-oriented devices reverse the pattern. The masturbation sleeve flips the polarity: doms accept receiving at 65.4% while subs accept at only 34.8%. The penis pump shows the lowest "give" acceptance of any device: only 11.3% of dom-identifying users want to use one on a partner.
The wand massager is the consensus device. It is the only device where all four perspectives exceed 60%.
How Couples Initiate and Connect
The app's "play proposal" system gives couples a structured way to initiate and negotiate intimate encounters, and the patterns are very human.
The Rhythm of the Week
| Day | % of All Proposals | Acceptance Rate |
|---|---|---|
| Sunday | 14.3% | 42.2% |
| Monday | 13.3% | 41.5% |
| Tuesday | 14.8% | 33.9% |
| Wednesday | 12.8% | 43.3% |
| Thursday | 12.5% | 33.3% |
| Friday | 15.2% | 35.1% |
| Saturday | 17.2% | 38.7% |
Wednesday has the highest acceptance rate (43.3%) despite the fewest proposals. The midweek spike suggests couples are more receptive during the "planning" phase of the week rather than on weekends when proposals are most numerous.
Partners respond more quickly on workdays (6.9 hours vs. 11.0 hours) but say yes more often on weekends (40.3% vs. 37.3%). People check in during breaks but act on proposals when there's time. Real life shapes desire.
Declined proposals are rare (typically under 4%), while expirations are the most common non-acceptance outcome. Partners more often let proposals quietly expire rather than explicitly reject them, a pattern that mirrors broader communication norms around indirect refusal.
The most-proposed activities mirror the concordance patterns: anticipation-building and blindfolds top the list, with "Be called good girl" appearing in 5.6% of all proposals, the most-proposed title by a wide margin.
What Couples Ask AI to Help Them Imagine
The app's AI scene generator creates custom erotic scenarios from couples' selected activities. The activities people choose reveal what they want to experience but may need help articulating.
Top Activities Used in AI-Generated Scenes
| Activity | Category | % of Scenes |
|---|---|---|
| Tickling | Sensation Play | 12.9% |
| Follow eye contact rules | Psychological Play | 10.4% |
| Wear a decorative collar | Soft Domination | 10.3% |
| Wear wrist ties under mattress | Bondage | 10.1% |
| Office Boss & Secretary | Roleplay | 9.7% |
| The Amazon | Sensation Play | 9.6% |
| Have hair gently stroked | Soft Domination | 9.3% |
| Tie wrists behind the back | Bondage | 9.2% |
| Give OTK spanking | Sensation Play | 9.0% |
| Mechanic & Client | Roleplay | 8.6% |
Tickling is the #1 activity people ask AI to write scenes about. Tickling sits at the intersection of playfulness, power, and physical sensation in a way that many users find compelling but perhaps struggle to script on their own.
The list reveals a tonal blend: decorative collars alongside hair stroking, OTK spanking alongside Office Boss roleplay. People don't ask for exclusively gentle or exclusively intense scenes. They mix registers, reflecting the tonal variety of real intimacy.
Office Boss & Secretary and Mechanic & Client are the top roleplay scenarios, both grounding power differentials in everyday situations rather than fantasy archetypes.
Power Exchange in Practice: How Couples Structure Their Dynamic
The app's task system lets one partner assign recurring tasks to the other, a digital framework for consensual power exchange.
The expected dom-to-sub assignment pattern exists, but there's a surprise: sub-to-sub self-assignment is the second-largest category (11.3% of all daily tasks). Many submissive-identified people are using the task system for self-discipline and personal growth, not just partner-directed obedience. Dom-to-dom and switch-to-switch patterns further suggest the system serves relationship structuring beyond traditional D/s hierarchies.
People who engage with tasks show a bimodal pattern: 60.5% complete tasks perfectly (averaging 5.76 completions each), while 39.5% show zero activity. Task engagement is a binary commitment with no middle ground.
Rewards outnumber consequences 1.3 to 1. The average reward grants +5 points while the average consequence deducts -3.5. Couples lean toward positive reinforcement. However, the maximum consequence (-60 points) is dramatically more severe than the maximum reward (+14 points), a "rare but severe" penalty structure that mirrors gamification design.
The Journey Inward: How Our Community Explores Identity
The app offers 22 quick quizzes and 34 personality profile tests. The way people move through them reveals a thoughtful, self-paced approach to self-discovery.
The Exploration Path
| Quiz / Test | Type | % of Quiz-Takers |
|---|---|---|
| Safety knowledge check | Quick quiz | 100.0% |
| Are you a giver or receiver? | Quick quiz | 75.6% |
| Finding your comfort zone | Quick quiz | 62.7% |
| Fetish Aesthetics Profile | Personality test | 8.5% |
| Submissive TPE Profile | Personality test | 5.7% |
| BDSM Orientation Profile | Personality test | 5.1% |
| Consensual Non-Consent Profile | Personality test | 2.3% |
| Sadism Profile | Personality test | 0.8% |
People start with safety, move to identity, and gradually approach their psychological edges. Roughly 8% progress to personality self-assessment. Fewer than 1% reach the tests probing the most complex territory: sadism and trauma-related kink. The community moves at its own pace, and that's exactly how it should work.
The quiz with the lowest average score and widest spread is "Are you a giver or receiver?" (70.95 average, 26.47 SD), where people show the most uncertainty about themselves. This challenges the assumption that BDSM practitioners have clear, stable role identities. Many are genuinely exploring, and that's the whole point.
What the Personality Profiles Show Us
The Submissive Total Power Exchange profiles show that submissives score highest on "Emotional Tone & Meaning" (3.99/5) and lowest on "Directive Style" (2.88/5). Submissives want emotional connection from power exchange more than they want to be told what to do. The desire for emotional meaning outscores obedience (3.47), protocol (3.45), and discipline (3.23), challenging the stereotype of submission as primarily about compliance.
In the BDSM Orientation Profile, aftercare (3.83/5) scores highest and dominance (2.99/5) scores lowest. The emotional infrastructure of BDSM (safety, care, communication) consistently outranks the power dynamics that define it. This community puts care first.
What This Community Teaches Us
Kink Is About Warmth, Not Extremes
This community does not support the stereotype of BDSM as primarily about pain or degradation. Cuddles, praise, and psychological anticipation outrank pain and humiliation by wide margins, even among people who have deliberately chosen to explore kink. What emerges is a picture of BDSM as a communication framework built on trust, affirmation, and controlled vulnerability.
The Emotional Heart of Submission
BDSM, as practiced by this community, is not a power game that happens to involve emotions. It is an emotional practice that happens to use power as its medium. Submissives prioritize emotional meaning over obedience. The entire community prioritizes aftercare above dominance. That's something to be proud of.
The Gendered Language Gap, and an Opportunity
The "Good Girl" effect reveals a culture structured around feminine-coded submission. While acceptance rates for "Good Boy" and "Good Girl" are comparable, the 27-fold difference in rating volume shows which dynamic the culture currently organizes around. Masculine and non-binary submissive language is underserved relative to demand, an area where our community can continue to grow.
Methodology & Privacy Note
All patterns in this report were derived from fully anonymized, aggregate data. No names, email addresses, or free-text content were accessed at any point. Our systems are designed so that we cannot access them, even internally. Email addresses are irreversibly hashed before storage. Chat messages are end-to-end encrypted and were excluded entirely. Task and journal content is encrypted at rest with keys we do not hold.
The analysis looked only at whether anonymous IDs rated activities as "yes," "no," or "maybe," and whether paired IDs showed concordance on complementary activities. Partner concordance was calculated by matching dom-perspective activities with their linked sub-perspective counterparts. At no point could any preference be connected to a real person.
This is a self-selected community and these patterns should not be generalized to the broader population.
For questions about methodology or data access for academic research purposes, contact the BeMoreKinky team.