BeMoreKinky research
How do dominant- and submissive-identifying Hotwife Profile takers differ?
The clearest difference is who gets the encounter moving: dominant-identifying people more often suggest someone new, while submissive-identifying people more often say their primary partner suggests it.
The clearest difference is who gets the fantasy moving. Dominant-identifying Hotwife Profile takers more often said they suggest somebody new. Submissive-identifying takers more often said their primary partner usually makes that first move, and were also more likely to compare themselves with the outside partner afterwards.
Here, hotwifing means enjoying the idea of one partner having sexual experiences with other people, with their primary partner's knowledge. A profile role is only one part of that fantasy. In these answers, it went with a different opening move.
From the data
The two role groups differ most in who suggests someone new
How often people agreed with each Hotwife Profile statement
Dominant-identifying and Submissive-identifying Hotwife Profile takers. I suggest meeting someone new: 46% and 23%. My primary partner suggests it: 16% and 37%. I compare myself afterwards: 26% and 49%.
Who brings up hotwifing first?
There is a particular charge in being the person who spots someone across the room, leans over and says, "What about them?" The encounter begins with your appetite. You have brought the possibility into the relationship and asked your partner to meet you there.
There is a different charge in hearing the suggestion from your primary partner. Now the fantasy arrives as an invitation, a dare or a piece of permission with teeth. You are still choosing whether you want it. The thrill lies partly in your partner wanting this for you and having the nerve to say it.
You can arrive at the same outside encounter by either route, but the lead-up hits differently. Sometimes the invitation is part of what gets you off. The two role groups split clearly over whether that invitation usually came from them or from their primary partner.
"Who suggests it?" is more revealing than it first appears. It is not an admin question about who opens the calendar. It tells us where the erotic momentum starts. For some people, desire feels hottest when they name it. For others, it becomes real when a partner names it first.
A submissive can want their partner to suggest somebody new
The submissive-identifying answers are not evidence of passivity. Initiative and desire are separate parts of the scene. A submissive can want something intensely while enjoying the fact that a dominant partner proposes it, directs it or gives the instruction.
"I want you to send me" is still a want. Sometimes the partner's initiative is the whole delicious point. The submissive person gets to feel chosen, offered or shown off without having to turn the scene into their own project. That difference concerns who made the suggestion, not how strongly either person wanted it.
For dominant-identifying people, making the suggestion themselves can fit the pleasure of directing a scene. It tells us nothing about who controls every other part of the encounter. A profile role gives the fantasy a flavour. It does not write the entire script.
The word "hotwife" invites lazy gender stories. These are people answering questions about a set of desires, not proof that every person is a wife, a woman or playing one fixed role in bed. "Dominant-identifying" and "submissive-identifying" are the roles they chose for their profiles. They are not shorthand for anatomy, gender or what happens with the outside partner.
Subs compared themselves with the outside partner more often
The other marked difference is what happens in the person's head afterwards. Submissive-identifying people more often said they compare themselves with the outside partner.
Comparison can contain jealousy and erotic measuring: Were they more confident? Did my partner respond differently? What did I enjoy about becoming the person being compared? A thought can sting and arouse at the same time. Kink is rarely considerate enough to keep those sensations in separate boxes.
Balzarini and colleagues found that jealousy and compersion can coexist rather than sitting at opposite ends of one emotional scale. Flicker, Vaughan and Meyers describe separate relational and erotic forms of compersion. Feeling pleased for a partner or turned on by their pleasure does not switch off comparison.
In kink, initiative can carry its own erotic weight. Comparison is not the same as insecurity, and making the first suggestion does not establish that one role is more confident than the other. One script begins with "I found someone." Another begins with "I want you to meet someone." Afterwards, the mind may keep playing with what happened long after everyone has gone home.
For a couple exploring hotwifing, the first suggestion can be more than the route into a scene. It may be the scene's first charged moment: one person naming their appetite, or one person hearing that their partner wants this for them. Who speaks first gives the fantasy its direction before the outside partner has even entered the room.