BeMoreKinky research
In cuckolding, is 'we choose' the opposite of 'I choose'?
No. People who preferred choosing together were also more likely to want personal choice. Both answers can express the same wish to have a say.
No. Among people who completed our Cuckolding Profile, those who preferred choosing an invited person together were also much more likely to want to choose that person themselves. A shared decision can still contain a strong personal preference: I want a real say in who enters this dynamic.
"We choose" can include a very definite "me". It tells us the relationship is part of the choice, not that the person answering has no preference of their own.
From the data
People who want a joint choice are more likely to want a personal say
How often people also agree 'I prefer that I choose the invited person'
Prefer choosing together 27%. Do not prefer choosing together 7%.
You can choose an outside partner together and still care who it is
It is easy to picture three tidy options for selecting an invited person. I choose. My partner chooses. We choose. Put them in separate boxes, pick one, done.
Real preferences are messier. A person can want the choice to belong to the couple while caring very strongly about their own judgement. They can bring somebody forward and ask their partner to agree. Or their partner can make the suggestion, with both of them deciding whether the chemistry is right.
In each of those scripts, nobody chooses alone, but the person answering still has a meaningful part in the choice. The invited person is entering a scene that belongs, in different ways, to both members of the couple.
Choosing an outside partner starts before the final yes
"Who picks?" sounds like one decision with one answer. The route there can involve several separate judgements. Who notices them? Who makes first contact? Whose attraction guides the shortlist? How do the two partners reach the final choice?
A couple can divide those decisions without turning the process into a contest. One person may be brilliant at spotting the right energy, while the other cares more about the final chemistry. One may enjoy being presented with a possibility. The other wants to watch their partner choose from possibilities they found together.
Sometimes the choosing is part of the foreplay. Hunting together can be hot. So can being shown somebody your partner thinks will undo you, or hearing them say yes to a person you already want. Calling all of that an admin decision rather drains the good bit out of it.
Stewart, Stults and Ristuccia's research on consensual non-monogamy agreements treats criteria for outside partners as its own kind of agreement, separate from what happens during outside sex or how the primary relationship is maintained. Choosing an invited person is not a single switch labelled "control". It can contain separate preferences about who finds them and how the decision is made.
Hoff and Beougher's study of sexual agreements among gay male couples found that open agreements often set out with whom, when, where and how often outside sex could happen. Again, the person is one part of a wider agreement. A couple may choose together while giving one partner more say over a particular part.
Wanting to choose the outside partner doesn't mean shutting your partner out
The personal-choice statement is strong: "I prefer that I choose the invited person." It records a real preference, not a demand for the final word.
Preference language leaves room for a blended process. Someone can prefer to make the choice and still want their partner actively involved. Think of choosing a restaurant together when one person cares much more about the food. The decision belongs to both of you, but pretending each opinion carries the same heat would be silly.
In cuckolding, that unevenness can be part of the erotic structure. The person meeting the invited partner may want the thrill of choosing them. Their primary partner may want to help make the match, make the introduction or set the scene in motion. Another couple might reverse all of that. "Together" describes the relationship around the choice, not a perfect division of every decision.
Joint selection and personal selection can appeal to the same person. One voice can be strong without being the only voice.
One partner can find someone and the other can give the final yes
"Who chooses the invited person?" is too blunt on its own. Bringing names forward, shaping the shortlist and giving the final enthusiastic yes can belong to different people.
"We choose" can sound perfectly equal and "I choose" can sound possessive, yet the same person can prefer both. One partner might want a surprise after helping shape the shortlist. Another might want to do the searching and savour their partner's enthusiasm. The erotic script can depend on how the choice passes between them, not only on whose name sits beside the final decision.