•J & L, founders of BeMoreKinky•Updated:

How to Be a “Good Slut”: Embracing Your Sexual Freedom with Confidence and Care

Introduction: Reclaiming the Word “Slut”

For many people, the word "slut" has long been laden with stigma and negative connotations. Yet, there's a growing movement to reclaim this term so that we can embrace our sexual freedom, autonomy, and joy. In The Ethical Slut, authors Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy demonstrate that embracing one's inner "slut" can be an act of liberation. The stigma persists, but the evidence doesn't support it: a 2024 review of research on consensual non-monogamy found that people in open and polyamorous relationships report comparable relationship quality, satisfaction, and trust to monogamous couples. Being a "good slut" isn't about chasing stereotypes; it's about confidently choosing the kind of pleasure, intimacy, and relationships that align with your true self.

Ready to explore your submissive side with confidence? The BeMoreKinky app offers over 30 domination experiences and 30 service-oriented activities, plus communication tools to help you express your desires and boundaries clearly with partners.

1. Acknowledge Your Desires (Without Shame)

Name Your Desires

  • Many of us have been socialized to feel guilt or embarrassment around wanting sex on our own terms. A first step in becoming a “good slut” is to acknowledge, honor, and name your desires. It might help to write them down, talk them through with a trusted friend, or share them with a sex-positive therapist.
  • Embracing your sexual needs is a powerful act. Say it out loud if you need to: “I want sex freely,” “I enjoy multiple partners,” or “I feel turned on by [XYZ fantasy].” In our experience running the BeMoreKinky app, we've found that couples who name their desires explicitly, even the uncomfortable ones, report far less friction when they actually try them.

Identify the Roots of Shame

  • Cultural and familial narratives around promiscuity often fuel self-judgment. Emily Nagoski’s “brakes and accelerator” model from Come As You Are is useful here: shame, stress, and internalized stigma act as sexual brakes, suppressing desire even when you genuinely want to explore. Ask yourself: “Where did I learn that multiple partners or casual sex is ‘bad’?” Reflecting on these roots can help you tease apart which beliefs genuinely resonate with you and which you might want to discard.

The numbers bear this out beyond our own platform, too. Aella’s Big Kink Survey, which gathered nearly 1 million responses, found that 71% of respondents find being submissive erotic, and women lead the way at 81% compared to 61% of men. The desire to surrender, to be claimed, to hear a word like “slut” spoken with heat and intention, is far more widespread than most people assume.

In data from 12,000+ couples on the BeMoreKinky app, we’ve found that roughly 4 in 5 submissives are either enthusiastic or curious about being called “slut” during play. It ranks in the top 5% of all submissive titles by acceptance rate, which tells me the reclamation of this word is already well underway in practice, not just in theory.

2. Practice Clear, Enthusiastic Consent

If there’s one foundational principle every “good slut” should embrace, it’s consent, both giving it and receiving it.

Know Your Boundaries

  • A “good slut” is aware of personal edges and boundaries around sexual activities, emotional involvement, or even timing and location.
  • Make sure you can articulate these boundaries to prospective partners. For example, you might say: “I’m open to oral sex but not penetrative sex tonight,” or “I’m comfortable playing with multiple partners, but I need to use condoms every time.”

Cultivate Enthusiastic Consent

  • Consent is much more than a token yes/no. It’s an active, enthusiastic “Hell yes, I’m into this!” Checking in with partners throughout sexual encounters ensures that everyone stays on the same page.
  • Verbal check-ins might sound like: “Are you okay with continuing?” or “Do you still feel good about what we’re doing?”

Use Safewords When Desired

  • Borrowed from the BDSM/kink community, safewords (e.g., “red” for stop or “yellow” for slow down) are a valuable communication tool in any sexual context. They let you express a boundary cleanly, without having to find the right words in the moment. A 2025 theoretical review on BDSM consent frameworks notes that consent practices like safewords are what distinguish healthy sexual exploration from harm, and they work just as well outside of kink.

3. Communication: The Bedrock of Sluthood

As sex educator Emily Nagoski points out in Come As You Are, communication about desire, arousal, and sexual contexts is crucial to fulfilling sexual encounters, particularly when you’re exploring multiple partners, new fantasies, or casual connections.

Ask for What You Want

  • Learning to articulate your desires is a hallmark of empowerment. Example: “I’d really love it if you kissed my neck for a while,” or “I’m curious about trying a three-way. How do you feel about that?”

Discuss Safer Sex Openly

  • Part of being a “good slut” is making safer sex practices non-negotiable. Conversations about STI testing, condom use, and even how you manage fluid-bonding (i.e., having unprotected sex within a specific agreement) must be open, honest, and without shame.
  • A respectful approach might be: “I was last tested on [date], and my results were [this]. How about you?”

Navigate Emotional Nuances

  • If you or your partner(s) start to experience unexpected feelings, jealousy, longing, or insecurity, acknowledge them openly. Emotional honesty prevents misunderstandings. A sex-positive therapist can help if you're struggling to untangle what you actually want from what you think you should want.

From what I've seen across our BeMoreKinky app data, naming and titles are one of the areas where couples disagree the most. Submissive names carry a conflict rate of nearly 15%, the second highest of any activity category we track. A word that feels empowering to one person can land very differently for their partner, which is why talking about language preferences before and after play matters so much.

4. Own Your Choices: Sexual Empowerment in Action

Becoming a “good slut” isn’t just about having more partners or more sex; it’s about stepping into unapologetic authenticity. Dr. Justin Lehmiller’s research in Tell Me What You Want confirms that self-knowledge and self-acceptance are the strongest predictors of sexual fulfillment, regardless of how many partners you have.

Release the Need for External Validation

  • Some people adopt the identity of “slut” to gain approval from certain crowds. The goal is sexual connections that gratify you, not an external ideal.

Avoid Slut-Shaming Others

  • If you reclaim “slut” for yourself but perpetuate negative judgments about someone else’s sexual choices, you haven’t truly embraced sexual freedom.

Here’s a data point from the BeMoreKinky app that I find fascinating: the acceptance rate for being called “slut” (about 65%) is nearly identical to the acceptance rate for being called “good girl” (about 66%). What many people assume is purely degrading sits right alongside what’s considered purely endearing. A study of 902 BDSM practitioners found they scored higher on subjective wellbeing and lower on neuroticism than controls, suggesting that owning unconventional sexual identities correlates with psychological health, not harm. The line between degrading and empowering is far more personal than cultural assumptions suggest.

5. Safer Sex as a Cornerstone of Self-Care

Being “slutty” is often associated with higher numbers of sexual encounters or partners, but quantity means nothing without quality, and quality includes safety. One common misconception is that non-monogamous people are reckless about sexual health; in reality, research shows that consensually non-monogamous people are often more diligent about testing and barrier use than their monogamous counterparts, precisely because they’ve had to have these conversations explicitly.

Regular Testing and Transparency

  • If you have multiple partners, scheduling regular STI screenings is a sign of respect for yourself and your lovers. Disclose your status and testing history without shame or delay.

Use Protection Wisely

  • Condoms, dental dams, gloves, and PrEP (Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis for HIV prevention) let you explore widely without fear. Keep them accessible and normalize the ask: “Let’s grab a condom before we get started.”

Non-Judgmental Openness

  • If a partner discloses a positive STI status, approach the topic with compassion, facts, and solutions. For instance, is the STI treatable or manageable? Educate yourself so you can make informed decisions while showing empathy.

6. Exploring Ethics: The “Good” in Being a “Good Slut”

Many “sluts” prioritize honesty, clarity, and compassion more rigorously than monogamous people who never have to have these conversations.

Informed Consent is Ethical

  • Every encounter should be based on informed agreement. If you have multiple partners, honesty about that fact is crucial. “I’m currently seeing two other people. Is that okay with you?”

Boundaries in Poly and Open Relationships

  • Ethical non-monogamy has guidelines to protect everyone’s emotional well-being. Some couples practice “don’t ask, don’t tell,” while others want detailed updates about every date. A “good slut” respects these agreements, whatever form they take.

We see this clearly in our BeMoreKinky app data. When partners rate non-monogamy activities, about 1 in 3 couples mutually agree they’re not interested, while roughly 1 in 4 are mutually enthusiastic. The remaining couples disagree, one partner wanting to explore and the other saying no. That’s why these conversations can’t be skipped; alignment doesn’t happen automatically.

Respect for Each Other’s Humanity

  • Being “slutty” is never an excuse to treat someone as disposable. Ethical sluthood embraces mutual respect, whether it’s a one-night stand or an ongoing arrangement. Kacie Cunningham puts it well in Conquer Me: “You can’t give what you don’t have, so you must first be empowered if you seek to give up power to a master.” The same logic applies here; you have to own your full humanity before you can meaningfully share it with someone else.

7. Cultivate Emotional Resilience

Stepping into a liberated sexual identity can be exhilarating but also emotionally challenging. As sex columnist Dan Savage often emphasizes, self-doubt and confusion about what you truly want are part of the process, not signs you’re doing it wrong.

Self-Compassion Check-Ins

  • Don’t beat yourself up if you make a mistake, maybe you moved too fast or ended up feeling burned out from too many dates. A large-scale study of 4,148 adults found that people who actively engaged in BDSM and sexually open behaviors reported higher sexual satisfaction, not despite the learning curve, but through it.

Allow Space for Decompression (and proper aftercare)

  • Especially if you’re exploring group sex or intense kink scenes, take time afterward to reflect and decompress. Journaling or debriefing with a trusted friend or therapist can help process powerful experiences. We’ve found that couples who build aftercare into their routine, even for vanilla encounters, consistently report feeling more connected afterward.

Setbacks ≠ Failures

  • Jealousy, heartbreak, or regrets are natural human emotions, slut or not. They’re data points, not verdicts. Honor your emotions without letting them define you.

8. Finding Community & Resources

You’re far from alone on the journey of sexual self-discovery. There are thriving sex-positive communities, both online and offline, where you can find validation, friendship, and guidance.

Online Communities

  • FetLife, various subreddits, and local Meetup groups can connect you with like-minded people. Standard safety applies: meet in public first, tell a friend where you'll be, and trust your gut.

Local Sex-Positive Events

  • Many cities host munches (informal get-togethers for kink-friendly folks), consent workshops, or sex-ed lectures. If you're new to the community, these low-pressure events are a good entry point.

Reading & Education

  • Come As You Are (Emily Nagoski), Sexual Intelligence (Marty Klein), and Opening Up (Tristan Taormino) offer strong perspectives on desire, sexual self-acceptance, and non-monogamy. Klein's core argument, that the obsession with "normal" sex is the real enemy, is especially freeing for anyone reclaiming the word "slut." For specialized BDSM education, explore our submissive training resources. For a broader map of communities and reading, see our polyamory resources guide.

9. Sluthood and BDSM: When the Role Meets the Identity

For readers exploring this identity through a kink lens, “slut” often carries a second meaning: a submissive title within a Dominant/submissive dynamic. A population study of over 8,000 Finnish adults found that 38% expressed interest in BDSM, with non-heterosexual individuals showing nearly twice the interest of heterosexual respondents. These two framings, lifestyle and D/s role, can coexist, but they work differently.

“Slut” as a D/s Honorific

In power-exchange relationships, a Dom may assign “slut” as a scene-specific role or an ongoing title. This isn’t the same as having multiple partners; it’s about surrendering to a dynamic. Our platform data bears this out: 65% of submissives accept the title overall, but the conflict rate nearly doubles in couples where one partner is new to D/s framing. Negotiate the word explicitly before play, not after.

Shared and Group Dynamics

Some submissives express sluthood through group scenes or shared arrangements. The consent and communication principles from earlier apply here with even more weight: who is involved, what each person has agreed to, and what safewords cover the whole group. Knowing that in advance makes the experience safer and more freeing for everyone.

For more on submissive roles and how they intersect with identity, see types of submissives or how to be a good submissive.

10. Navigating Social Judgment

Reclaiming "slut" internally is one thing; dealing with how other people react is another. A 2025 qualitative study of 32 non-monogamous adults found that disclosure decisions are complex and context-dependent, and that responses from friends, family, and healthcare providers are typically negative. Structural barriers, from workplace discrimination to uninformed therapists, discourage openness even when people feel confident in their choices.

Choose Your Audience

  • You don't owe anyone a full accounting of your sex life. Disclosure is a gift, not an obligation. Start with people you trust, and expand from there as you gauge reactions. Some relationships will deepen; others won't survive the honesty. Both outcomes are informative.

Separate Feedback from Projection

  • When someone reacts badly to your sexuality, ask yourself whether they're responding to something you actually did or to their own discomfort with the concept. Most slut-shaming says more about the shamer's relationship with desire than about yours.

Build a Support Network

  • Having even two or three people who understand your choices makes an enormous difference. Sex-positive communities, kink-aware therapists, or friends who've navigated open relationships themselves can provide the kind of grounding that lets you weather social friction without second-guessing yourself.

Conclusion: Pleasure, Power, and Personal Growth

More and more people see “slut” as a banner for sexual self-awareness, freedom, and ownership. Doing it well involves emotional intelligence, enthusiastic consent, honesty, and an unapologetic embrace of desire.

By practicing open communication, safer-sex principles, and honest respect for everyone’s boundaries, you can build a sexual life that feels authentically yours. The research consistently supports what we’ve seen across 12,000+ couples on our platform: people who own their sexuality openly tend to be happier, not in spite of going against the grain, but because of it.