How to Pick a Day Collar: Complete BDSM Guide
When you're in a BDSM relationship, choosing a day collar can feel as momentous as finding the perfect wedding ring. It's jewelry with meaning - your bond made visible, a constant reminder of the dynamic that only you two really get. This guide covers what a day collar actually is, the different types out there, and how to find one that works for you.
Ready to explore the symbolism of collars and D/s dynamics? The BeMoreKinky app includes activities for wearing symbolic chokers and necklaces, plus over 20 gentle femdom activities like fastening soft collars and offering verbal affirmations to help you build meaningful rituals around your dynamic.
What is a day collar in BDSM?
A day collar is basically a discreet collar that submissives (or anyone into the symbolism) wear day-to-day. Unlike those obvious play collars with the big leather bands and spikes, day collars look more like regular jewelry - could be a necklace, choker, even a bracelet. Most people won't notice anything, but you and your partner? You'll know what it means.
At its heart, a day collar is about connection and commitment. Some folks call it a 24/7 collar since you can basically wear it all the time. Lot of subs find comfort in that constant presence - like a physical reminder of their promises or who they belong to. And doms often get a kick out of seeing their partner marked as "theirs" even in public settings where nobody else has a clue. It's hiding in plain sight: the world sees a pretty necklace, but you two know it's so much more.
Worth mentioning - collaring in BDSM gets compared to weddings or engagements pretty often. Giving someone a collar (especially a permanent or day collar) can be this really profound gesture, all about love and trust and commitment. Not everyone treats it that seriously, but plenty do. Some people have full ceremonies with vows, others just have a private understanding between them. There's no one "right way" to do it. What matters is what it means to you.
So what does a day collar actually look like? Honestly? Whatever you want, long as it's meaningful and works for daily wear. You can wear chokers, a slim chain, a locket or pendant, or any other small item around your neck as a day collar. Most look like regular necklaces or chokers. Some have little rings or charms that hint at D/s stuff, others are totally incognito. Main thing is discretion - it shouldn't be screaming "BDSM" to random people.
For instance, a simple black velvet choker could be a day collar. So could a delicate chain with a heart pendant, or a slim leather necklace that could pass for a fashion statement. O-rings are a well-known BDSM symbol often incorporated into collars (a circular ring that might dangle like a pendant or connect to the clasp). A tiny padlock or a lock-shaped charm is another popular motif; it subtly signifies "owned" or in service (in kink terms, a lock often represents servitude or devotion). Some day collars use a D-ring (the D-shaped ring you'd see on pet collars) as part of the design, though D-rings tend to be a bit more noticeable; you might reserve those for when a slightly edgier look is okay. Bottom line - anything can be a day collar if it's got the right meaning for you two.
Quick note on the emotional side of things. Collars bring up powerful feelings - they're all about trust, with the sub putting themselves in the dom's care and the dom taking on that responsibility. It's also about pride in your role and relationship. Some subs talk about feeling calm or "centered" when they're wearing their collar, like it grounds them. Others get a thrill from having that little secret on display. And doms often feel that possessiveness or affection seeing their partner wear it. These emotions are why picking a day collar matters so much... you're choosing the symbol of your bond. As kink author Janet W. Hardy notes, symbols like collars help create a boundary between the "real world" and your shared secret world, while also easing the transition between those spaces. A day collar, in effect, lets you carry a piece of that private world with you all the time.
Different Types of Day Collars
Day collars come in many styles. "Day collar" is really more of a concept than one specific thing. What ties them together is discretion and meaning, but the actual form? Could be anything from a lockable steel necklace to a dainty infinity pendant. Here are some popular types:
-
Eternity Collars: These are solid metal collars meant for long-term wear, usually made from stainless steel or titanium. They lock or screw closed with a tiny hex key, symbolizing permanence - once it's on, it's not coming off easy. The original Eternity Collar brand basically created the BDSM answer to a wedding ring: a sleek metal band around the neck as a constant devotion reminder. They're minimalist and discreet, just look like elegant metal chokers you could wear with anything. Since they're metal they're durable (shower-proof and all that), but make sure you get quality so it's smooth on your skin. Being locked in one can feel pretty erotic - there's a physical and emotional weight to it, that "always collared, always his/hers" feeling. Just remember - if these lock, you and your partner gotta discuss practicalities. Like if you need it off for a doctor visit or TSA, keep that allen wrench accessible. They run pricier given the materials and engineering, but lots of people think they're worth every penny for the symbolism.
-
Infinity Collars: Not as formal a term as eternity collar (no official "Infinity Collar™" brand or anything), but it's a popular concept. Basically any discreet collar with the infinity symbol (∞) on it, representing never-ending love or infinite commitment. Could be a slim chain with a small infinity pendant. Sometimes you'll see it combined with hearts or an infinity heart (which is also used in polyamory if that's your setup). People love infinity collars cause the motif is romantic but super subtle - infinity jewelry is everywhere, so nobody's gonna guess yours has D/s meaning. Good pick if you're sentimental and want something that explicitly says "forever." Can be metal (silver, gold, stainless steel) or leather with an infinity charm. Usually just regular clasps like lobster claw, though you can add a small lock if that's your thing. The vibe's delicate, romantic, sweet.
-
"Discreet" Collars: This is literally any style that fits the wearer's normal fashion. Could be a black velvet choker that looks goth/trendy, or a tiny charm on a thin chain. Goal is avoiding obvious BDSM markers (unless that's your vibe). These often follow current jewelry trends - rose gold pendants, pearl chokers, engraved bar necklaces all work. Lockets are popular too; put your dom's photo inside or get it engraved. Locking day collars can be discreet - some use a petite lock as the pendant. To randos it's a cute padlock charm; to you it's the key to your heart. There's also "ring of O" designs worked in subtly, like a small O-ring on leather cord that just looks geometric.
-
Other Varieties: Beyond those three, there's endless variations. Some people go with day bracelets or rings instead of necklaces. A simple chain bracelet with engraving or a lock charm works if neckwear isn't practical - like there's this example of a zookeeper who wore a bracelet instead since a necklace could get tugged by animals, which is smart. Anklets or discreet body jewelry like upper arm bands could work too. Get creative.
Where to Buy and How to Select Your Perfect Day Collar
Now that you get what day collars are, let's talk about the where and how of actually getting one. You've got tons of options - specialized BDSM retailers, indie artisans on craft marketplaces, all kinds of stuff. Just as important is figuring out what's gonna work best for you. We'll cover both: where to shop for day collars and how to pick the right one.
Where to Buy a Day Collar: You have a wealth of options nowadays, both online and offline. Here are some great places to look for a day collar, each with their own style and selection:
-
Etsy, Handmade Day Collars: Etsy is a fantastic marketplace for unique, handcrafted day collars. Search "submissive day collar" or "BDSM discreet collar" and you'll find thousands of results. Everything from simple chain chokers to elegant eternity-style stuff. Lot of artisans offer customization - pick your material, length, charm, get engraving done. Buying on Etsy supports small businesses (often kinksters who get what you need). You're likely getting something one-of-a-kind. Check reviews and seller communication to make sure it's quality. Big bonus: if you've got a specific vision (particular gemstone, themed charm with meaning for you both), many Etsy makers do custom commissions.
-
Eternity Collars (Official Site): For the classic metal eternity collar, go straight to EternityCollars.com. They pioneered luxury locking collars meant for 24/7 wear as jewelry. High-quality stuff (plus matching cuffs, leashes, etc.) in stainless steel, titanium, even precious metals like rose gold. Minimalist, elegant designs - some are solid rings around the neck, others have tiny gemstones or screw details. When you buy from a dedicated BDSM collar company, you're getting gear built for long-term wear: smooth edges, secure locks, durable materials. Bit of an investment ($75 to a few hundred depending on material), but many couples cherish them for years. Their site has neck measuring guides and tips for living collared 24/7 (airports, etc.). For some this is the Lamborghini of day collars - ultimate symbolic piece.
-
Captive Collars and Niche BDSM Jewelry Shops: There are several indie shops and brands that focus on BDSM jewelry. Captive Collars is one example, known for pretty day collar necklaces (some with locking clasps, some without) including many infinity and heart designs. Another example is Serenity in Chains, which offers collections like the "Infinite Passions" day collar in stainless steel. These niche retailers often have curated selections of day collars that balance beauty and bondage elegantly. Shopping from them can give you more assurance that the piece is functional for BDSM lifestyles (since that's their specialty). They often use strong clasps, durable chain, and consider comfort for long-term wear. Plus, you might find something unique like a day collar that doubles as a play collar (some have hidden rings that can attach a leash if you know where to look!). Browse these specialized stores if you want something crafted with kink in mind but maybe not as plain as the classic eternity collar. Each brand has its own flavor: some lean more "delicate and feminine," others more unisex or edgy.
-
Restrained Grace and Boutique Brands: Restrained Grace is a well-known boutique with a whole line of day collars and jewelry. Modern, cute, very wearable - think silver chains, little charms, pearls, subtle lock motifs. They've got items like "The Signature Day Collar" or "Ring of O" necklaces designed to be ultra-discreet but meaningful. Other boutique kink brands (often run by women or queer folks in the community) focus on making BDSM accessories that fit seamlessly into daily style. Great if aesthetics are a top priority and you want your collar matching your fashion sense. Might pay more than Etsy, but you get that designer touch. Plus these brands usually have great customer service and they understand what day collars mean - reach out with questions or sizing stuff. They get it.
-
Local Fetish Markets & Artisans: If you've got BDSM or fetish markets nearby (fetish flea markets, vendor fairs at conventions), these can be goldmines for day collars. Local artisans set up stalls with handcrafted collars you can actually touch and try on. Big advantage: you feel the weight, texture, check the fit, sometimes get custom adjustments right there. Plus you're supporting community craftspeople. Some cities have brick-and-mortar fetish shops with collars too. If you're comfortable, visit and ask for day collars or discreet ones - staff are usually super knowledgeable and friendly, they'll be stoked to help. Tell them what you want (lock or not, metal or not, how subtle, etc.) and they'll guide you. In-person shopping can also be a fun date for you and your partner - trying on collars together is pretty sensual, like test-driving that symbol of your connection.
How to Select Your Perfect Collar: Whether you end up shopping online or in person, picking the one from all the options is an emotional and practical decision. Here are some tips and factors to consider to ensure your day collar is everything you want it to be:
-
Reflect on Meaning: Talk with your partner about what the collar means to you both. Is it romantic commitment? Sexy D/s reminder? Both? This'll guide your pick. Like if it's basically a "promise ring," maybe go for high-quality lasting stuff (eternity collar, precious metal necklace) to match that significance. If it's more training collar or temporary status thing, something simple and replaceable works fine.
-
Comfort and Safety: A day collar's gotta be comfortable and safe for long-term wear. Think about material and fit. Got metal allergies? (Nickel's common.) Go hypoallergenic - surgical stainless steel, titanium, niobium, solid gold/silver. Leather or fabric needs to not chafe and be cleanable (sweat + constant contact = irritation if you don't clean it). Round collars or smooth-edged ones are usually most comfy for 24/7; a round chain won't poke you when sleeping, but a square pendant might. Make sure locks or clasps don't dig in. Planning to never take it off? Durability matters - stainless steel won't rust when wet, but a suede choker you shower in will get nasty fast. Get the right size: should be a little loose (fit one or two fingers between collar and neck for safety/comfort). You're not trying to choke yourself; should basically forget it's there most of the time. If it's rigid like a metal band, measure carefully - too tight sucks, too loose won't sit right or might slip off.
-
Locking vs. Non-Locking: Discuss this together. Locking collar provides a powerful psychological kick - emphasizes power exchange where one holds the key, the other's "bound" by the collar. As Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy point out, putting the collar on or taking it off can be its own ritual, marking shifts into or out of scene space. With a day collar, you might ritualize locking it on each morning or having your Dom remove it at night, whatever works. Flip side - non-locking collars (basic clasps) are simpler for daily life. Think about your routine: need to remove it often (sports, shower, etc.)? Is a lock practical? Would not being able to remove it make you anxious, or does that excite you? Some compromise with collars that look locked but have hidden clasps, or vice versa. Also consider symbolic security: even a normal-clasp collar can be "locked" metaphorically - like the rule is the sub doesn't remove it without permission, so it's locked by honor. Or a real padlock where the sub keeps a spare key for emergencies, doesn't diminish meaning if you both agree on that safety net.
-
Style and Aesthetics: Fun part - let your tastes run wild. Collar should match the wearer's personal style since they'll be wearing it a ton. Love silver jewelry? Go with that. Never wear gold? Gold collar might feel weird. Think about wardrobe match. Day collar can be an extension of personality - punk rock, girlish, minimalist, flamboyant? Pink leather collar with a bow might delight one sub, another would cringe at anything but sleek black stainless steel. Think about visibility too. Wear high-collared shirts at work? Collar at the base of neck is fine. Often wear open necklines? Maybe a slightly longer necklace you can tuck under clothes. Discretion level is part of style: some collars are super discreet (simple chain), others are borderline (small ring pendant might prompt "oh what's that necklace mean?"). Decide what level of outness you're comfortable with. Lot of people enjoy covert kink; others are bolder.
-
Quality and Craftsmanship: Since day collars get worn continuously, invest in best quality you can reasonably afford. Doesn't have to be expensive (well-made options at all price points) but pay attention to craftsmanship. Check product descriptions or ask makers: will it tarnish or chip? Is the chain sturdy for constant wear? Edges smooth? Gemstones securely set? Sucks to lose a charm cause it was glued poorly, or have a chain break mid-day. Look for reputable sellers (good reviews, transparent materials info). Stainless steel's typically safe for durability. Sterling silver's nice but tarnishes (gotta polish it). Gold-filled or gold-plated can wear off with water and sweat, solid gold's great but pricey. Leather should be genuine and thick enough to last; edges finished so they don't scratch. Upkeep matters: some metals like silver or lower-grade steel leave marks on skin (greenish or black tarnish). Might need occasional cleaning or coating.
-
Communication and Consent: Last but not least - choosing a day collar should be collaborative between partners (unless it's a surprise gift, in which case the giver better have a good sense of the receiver's tastes and limits). Talk openly about all the above stuff. If you're the dom planning to buy a collar for your sub, get their input - after all, they're wearing it all day. You can still keep that romantic or authoritative gesture ("I'd be honored if you wore my collar") while making sure it's something they'll actually happily wear. If you're the sub wanting a collar, voice that to your partner. Discuss what it means to you and any practical needs ("I'd love a locking collar, but my job's got metal detectors - maybe we find one that's non-magnetic or easily removed for work").
Picture this: each morning you fasten your day collar around your neck (or your partner does it for you). You take a breath, feel that little flutter. Collar rests against your skin and immediately you're tuned into your role, your relationship. Throughout the day your fingers touch it absentmindedly, you smile remembering some spicy scene or tender moment from the night before. Co-worker compliments your "necklace" and you blush slightly, thinking if only they knew. This secret, this continuous presence, can be incredibly erotic and comforting all at once. It keeps the connection between you and your partner alive across distance and time. As writer Jack Morin might suggest, that blend of the ordinary with a touch of taboo or hidden meaning can heighten eroticism. The collar is a perfect example of that principle.