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•By Veronica Chin Hing-Michaluk

What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy?

Understanding Ethical Non-Monogamy: A Primer for the Curious

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM): Long before the term was coined, this relationship structure existed across cultures for centuries, and roots in the ethics of practicing being in multi-partnered relationships. Ethical non-monogamy includes ethical relational practices such as all participants consenting to and knowing about the existence of other partners within different relationship dynamics. It fundamentally involves openness to discuss and negotiate agreements, embody boundaries and accountability, and maintain honesty throughout a collaborative communication process that considers impact to participants. This includes adapting convos across the spectrum of casual hook-ups to kink play partners to long-term comet partners to spouses. Some clients I’ve worked with considered ENM integral to their identity that serves as relational bedrock, while others consider it a lifestyle commitment to explore and evolve based on partnership circumstance.

Humans have enjoyed a variety of relationship structures for ages. That said, there’s truly no one right way to be in a partnership. In recent years, couples and individuals have come to therapy to explore not just how to be in healthy relationships with one person, but also how to establish boundaries and practices for sustainable and fulfilling relationships with multiple consenting partners- more specifically, under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, and other relationship forms.

Sounds like a lot of work, right? It genuinely is work to consider and balance all participants’ needs in relationships.

Part of my role as a couples and individual therapist is to facilitate conversations with clients that help them get crystal clear about whether the relationship dynamics they’re seeking to build are motivated by filling a sense of deficit- either in themselves or with current partners- or coming from a place of abundance- of time, resources, energy, insight, and care. My particular niche of sex-positive and anti-oppressive trauma-informed counseling also considers attachment needs, multicultural and interracial dynamics, gender identity, trauma histories, and evolving sexuality & erotic needs within the context of the systems we reside.

What Does ENM Mean in Dating and Relationships?

ENM and CNM: Are They the Same?

Consensual non-monogamy (CNM): While much of the previous definition applies, I’ve encountered clients who felt that the centering of relational consent- rather than relational ethics- diminishes the implied ethical framework in ethical non-monogamy- not that ENM actually is morality focused. Within consensual non-monogamy, consenting participants may engage in multiple varying relationship dynamics, and participants often center transparency, autonomy, and informed consent of all parties involved. This term offers more specificity than the umbrella term of open relationship, though ENM and CNM are often used interchangeably within dating communities, and people self-define their own nuanced meaning and distinctions.

How Is ENM Different From Cheating?

Cheating is a breaking of agreements or violation of trust within established commitments. If two ethically non-monogamous partners agree to date other people, the act of dating other people does not constitute cheating. If these same partners agree to use condoms with all partners, and one person decides in the heat of the moment with a new person to not use a condom, that can be considered cheating if consent was not obtained prior to stepping out of the established commitments.

Cheating in ethical non-monogamy often is self-determined by the participants who negotiate their own rules of engagement and what constitutes violation of mutually agreed upon commitments. I’ve supported some partnerships through intense conflicts involving feelings of betrayal and cheating, and the pain points are always unique to each couple, throuple or polycule. If a D/S (dominant/submissive) ENM couple has an agreement that neither member of the couple will engage in D/S dynamics with anyone else, and someone decides to do a scene at a kink party enacting those very dynamics, it’s understandable that a conflict may arise with one partner feeling cheated on since the commitments were not upheld.

What Does ENM Mean on a Dating Profile?

Across different dating platforms, there are now options to self-identify dating orientation. Some options like monogamous or ENM exist to signal what a person’s dating framework entails, while other options like ‘Figuring it out’ may signal that a person is genuinely open to exploring different ways of being in a relationship. Some dating apps even offer short-form fill-in-the-blank sections to offer users a way to express more clearly the type of relationships they’re interested in pursuing. For example, someone could identify as ENM, and add a subtext explaining that they’re in a long-distance partnership and looking to date intentionally in their neighborhood. Another person identifying as ENM might add under their label that they are solo-polyamorous and looking for an anchor partner, but are open to finding friends and lovers along the journey.

Monogamy as a Comparison Point

Monogamy: Refers to the practice of having one marriage in an individual’s lifetime. In 2026, across dating apps and IRL, monogamy generally refers to the practice of being in an exclusive relationship with one person at a time.

Some monogamous partnerships still choose to engage in kinky or sexual dynamics together with additional participants, while other monogamous couples might consider any sexual or emotional entanglements outside of the primary relationship as cheating or infidelity. A single monogamous person may also date multiple people with the intention of building towards exclusivity with one person, ending other relationships upon agreeing to partner with one person.

E.g. Red is dating Sapphine and Aurora, who are also dating on the apps and looking for exclusive partnerships. They all identify as monogamous. After a few dates, Red and Sapphine really feel a spark and mutually chat about deleting dating apps and ending other partnerships to see where this relationship goes.

Types of Ethical Non-Monogamy

Polyamory

Polyamory (Polyam): Looking at the root words “poly-” meaning many, and “amor”, meaning love, polyamory can therefore be defined as the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time, or experiencing many loves. The term poly-amorous is commonly traced to the article “A Bouquet of Lovers” in 1990 by Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart, though was used later in 1992 by a Usenet group called alt.polyamory. In my practice, individuals and couples who have identified as polyamorous often expressed an openness to having more than one serious and loving relationship, holding a belief that love is abundant and infinite. It’s definitely a myth that all polyamorous people are primarily high-libido and sex focused. Some memorable examples of motivating factors for folx practicing polyamory include: desires to celebrate Black & BIPOC pleasure as revolutionary healing practices, deep alignment with other creatives to cultivate erotic art, decentering heteronormative pressures and returning to Indigenous village models of caregiving and raising children, and building out queer neurodivergent communities as chosen family to navigate life together. Another important perspective of note is that many people also normalize the intimacy of having sex with their friends and playing with or celebrating their bodies, which serves to de-pedestalize sex as an activity reserved for a certain relationship structure.

E.g. Lenora meets Val at a shibari workshop, and they spend the night literally and figuratively wrapped up in each other. They plan to get coffee the next day, and have a long talk about their families, current relationships, and what they’re hoping to experience in dating as polyamorous people. Lenora practices kitchen-table polyamory and has a strong desire for everyone’s partners to meet and explore friendship if the stars align. Val’s cohabitating spouse travels most of the year, so there hasn’t been interest or availability to cultivate relationships with this level of time commitment. They all work toward finding a balance that feels good for all parties and meets each of their individual relational needs, ultimately deciding on planning elaborate potluck dinners together every 4-5 months where Lenora, Val, their partners, and partners’ partners can gather and catch up on the joys and trials of life.

Open Relationships

There’s a wonderfully descriptive chart in chapter 4 of Jessica Fern’s book, Polysecure, that offers a solid visual definition of both open relationships and swinging. In it, open relationships are described as mono-amorous, or loving one person, and poly-sexual, or having low sexual exclusivity. I’ve often seen open relationship formats involve two people dating one another with hierarchical primacy with little interest in relational entanglements with more than one person outside of casual sexual relationships, though romance may not be off the table. This may be the married couple that only dates together, or a relationally exclusive couple that consents to casual hookups during travels or time away from one another. In this model, the relationship of the primary couple is often elevated and each partner either goes out and returns with sexual charge, or brings in erotic experiences that enhance the relationship.

Swinging

Swinging has an entire vibrant community in the US. I remember some podcasters made an appearance and raffled off some great sex toys at the Sexpo several years ago. From Polysecure, swinging is the practice of couples engaging in sexual activity with other couples, individuals or groups. The focus is primarily sexual rather than romantic or emotionally invested, though emotional safety and intentionality can absolutely be sought out. Often, couples will play in the same room or at the same event, and get off on having shared experiences in tandem. Swingers can practice ENM, and use other terms such as MFM, parallel play, unicorn, etc… Swingers have their own lexicon such as soft swap (kissing, petting) or full swap (penetration in any hole) which involves different degrees of negotiating consent for each sexual encounter. Each couple has their process, and will often bring that playbook to another couple, group, or individual to explore if everyone’s in alignments and down to play.

Solo Polyamory

Solo polyamory: This term has been discussed extensively by author Tristan Taormino in her book, “Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” published in 2008. Rather than working towards pooling finances, living together, and other relationship escalator milestones, solo polyamory empowers an individual to center their autonomy and relationship to Self in a way that rejects the idea that people should be defined by their relationships with others. It still includes space for cultivating unique partnerships with others, while the bedrock of this model is the belief that relationships do not need to follow heteronormative couple milestones or a pre-determined relationship escalator to build meaningful commitments.

E.g. Vic practices solo polyamory and cherishes a solid community of life-long chosen family while balancing a vibrant social life. They show up for their kin and trust they’ll reciprocate when needed, having established friends as medical proxy and power of attorney. Vic loves living alone, and has no desire to change their last name, open a bank account with a partner, or meet some imaginary bar for social acceptance rooted in pair-bonding. Vic has enjoyed deeply fulfilling long-term comet partnerships with some special people, and is open to dating when meeting interesting folx at one of the many events they frequently attend.

A Related Relationship Approach

Relationship Anarchy

Relationship anarchy (RA): The relationship anarchy manifesto was first written in Swedish by Andie Nordgren in 2006 and was later translated to English as an instructional manifesto outlining nine principles to practice relationship anarchy. At its roots, the manifesto encourages actively cultivating commitments unique to each partner, establishing your core set of relationship values to serve as foundation for these conversations, communicating in the context of trust and openness, honoring mutual autonomy, and shifting away from heterosexist norms through ongoing self-reflection and communication. Relationship anarchy is not a lawless philosophy to do whatever you want without consequence, disregarding other people’s needs, wants, health, safety and feedback. It is a practice of dismantling already established structures and systemic norms, reimagining what they could be, and actively working towards that vision collectively and individually.

E.g. Otto and Karol have been practicing relationship anarchists for decades. They got married out of necessity, and entered into that covenant with the spirit of honest collaboration and respectful openness to each other’s bodily sovereignty and expansive dreams of family and community. They each arrived with a list of values they’d like honored throughout the partnership and ways of being that felt good such as, “Our time is our own… We won’t expect to have all our free time belong to one another.” They raised children in trusted communities, enjoyed deep loves that evolved into chosen family relations, traveled and lived together and separately, and learned to communicate through conflict in ways that facilitated their individual and collective growth.

Can Ethical Non-Monogamy Be Healthy?

Defining “Healthy” in Context

One of my favorite aspects of therapy work is that I get to take what people bring me and support them along the journey of figuring out what “healthy” means to them. That involves making space for the inherited trauma, ongoing systemic oppression, histories of shame and rejection, bodily disabilities affecting capacities and confidence, unrealistic values and expectations about their relational process, intersections of culture, class, gender, religion, etc… that all affect preferences, projections and potential in finding clarity on what relationship structure a person would actually enjoy.

A Therapist’s Perspective on Healthy Relationships

The throughline for any healthy relationship is internal radical honesty and having the courage to maintain openness as you learn. Every single one of the relationships defined above will fold and crumble under foundations of deception, manipulation, and narrow-minded self-interest. Most of the healing work I facilitate with couples and individuals who have been harmed during exploration of any of these relationship models has included reconnecting to their own individual body signals and somatic experience: the gut feelings, the tightness in their chest, the flood of neurochemicals affecting rational decision-making ability during certain moments. I observe that many individuals and couples that work to understand their attachment wounds are better equipped to recognize their needs and collaborate on processes that work for their relationships.

Ultimately, the relationship structure itself isn’t the paramount determining factor. Monogamy isn’t inherently more secure or healthy, and non-monogamy isn’t inherently unhealthy. Polyamory isn’t automatically more evolved, and relationship anarchy isn’t de facto more liberating. What I have observed over the years is that these structures become nourishing or draining depending on how the people involved communicate, negotiate, respect autonomy, navigate conflict, respond to evolving needs, and self-reflect in each iteration of this process.

I recently read a fairly comprehensive article that reviewed 32 studies (25 published journal articles, 3 doctoral theses, and 4 unpublished data files spanning from 2007 to 2024) to critically analyze the differences in satisfaction and well-being, exploring relationship and sexual satisfaction across diverse partnership models. It served as a wonderful contrast to the general anecdotal discourse on how people ought to be in relationships. By reviewing data collected from 24,489 participants across demographics including sexual orientation, gender, and relationship orientation (only one study explicitly included ethnicity which is a bummer when we want to include cultural intersectionality in the chat), it’s intriguing to have concrete evidence to support my earlier assertion that there is no one right way to be in a relationship. Commitment, intimacy, passion and trust were some of the measures highlighted for comparison. While 6 studies found monogamous partners rated higher levels of satisfaction, 6 studies also found that non-monogamous partners experienced higher levels of satisfaction, and the bulk of studies found no significant difference. A similar trend also emerged in the consideration of sexual satisfaction, further debunking the myth that monogamy is a superior relationship framework.

My clinical practice aligns with the idea that many diverse and consenting relationship structures can offer fulfilment and deep satisfaction. I have helped monogamous couples to improve their honest communication, cultivate confidence, and deepen their commitments to one another just as I’ve supported polyamorists on their journey of balancing their multiple partnerships and understanding the unique commitments each partnership holds.

How Ethical Non-Monogamy Works in Practice

An ENM Practice Example

Jules and Theo have been dating and living together for a decade. Throughout the years, they’ve established their values as an ethically non-monogamous couple. Theo prefers to have 1 to 2 deep ongoing relationships with others at a time, and enjoys regular contact with each person. Jules prefers to hook up with some consistent members at her local monthly kink play party, and communication really only happens around the scheduled events and just afterwards to debrief. They both test monthly and ask partners to screen for STIs after each new sexual encounter and share results before they engage. Jules and Theo are committed to pausing their own sexual relationship without shaming the other partner if a wellness concern arises, and still enjoy emotional intimacy and closeness.

Questions to Consider Before Trying ENM

There are no governing rules or requirements to meet in order to practice ENM, and it’s mostly going to come down to how you self-reflect and curate the experiences you want in relationships. The more honesty, intentionality, and care you put into the process as a whole, the more likely you’ll have the tools to build sustainable relationships with people interested in what you have to offer.

  1. Am I interested in ethical non-monogamy or something that I think I can get from it?
  2. What specifically about ENM am I attracted to?
  3. What experiences would I like to share with others?
  4. Is ethical non-monogamy something I can actively practice with integrity and honesty? a. If no, can I be transparent with others in how messy or chaotic I’d like to be in exploring ENM to minimize harm?
  5. How much energy do I realistically have to explore ENM relationships?
  6. Have I done my homework; where am I finding information or community on how to practice ENM?
  7. Is there any healing self-work I want to do before exploring ENM?
  8. How will I know if ENM isn’t right for me, what are my internal cues?
  9. How comfortable am I rejecting others who are misaligned with what works and doesn’t work for me in ENM?
  10. How comfortable am I with rejection from others who don’t feel aligned with where I am in my ENM journey?
  11. Does the way I want to be in relationships fit into any existing relationship models or am I envisioning co-creating something different?

Reflection Questions for Any Relationship Structure

Any relationship offers an opportunity to share parts of who you are and experience yourself in different contexts. When you take the time to self-reflect on how you show up and what you bring into interactions with others, you offer yourself moments to really shine a light on your relational strengths and areas of growth. Remain curious about yourself and I invite you to think of your own questions to reflect on, but here are a few to get started.

  1. Are you attuned to the many complex feelings swirling around within yourself?
  2. Do you have the ability to say “yes” or “no” with confidence and authenticity?
  3. Is there enough trust to share and receive a person’s truth even through discomfort?
  4. Can you follow through on appropriate consequences when boundaries are violated?
  5. Is there enough accountability to acknowledge when choices cause harm, even if that wasn’t the intent?
  6. Is there flexibility to revisit agreements when circumstances shift?
  7. Is there a dedicated outlet to process and work through uncomfortable feelings such as jealousy, grief, insecurity etc…?

Pro-Tips from Your Friendly Neighborhood Sex Therapist

To be in healthy relationships, I wholeheartedly encourage people to do the work of being in a healthy relationship with themselves. If you’re in a deeply unhappy long term relationship, there is no unicorn out there that will resurrect the spark or resolve the accumulated hurt of ignoring your own truth about your dissatisfaction. Trying new experiences can be fulfilling, but objectifying and using people cannot sustainably fill the void. There’s a wonderful book titled, “Si Te Duele, Ahi No Es” by Rufus (Jaime) Gama- “If it Hurts, That’s Not It”. The author highlights just that- if something hurts, that’s important information. We are responsible for noticing that, and we get to choose to disengage from persistently harmful relationships.

How to Talk About ENM and Relationship Structures

Check In With Yourself First

Your own mental, physical, and emotional state will strongly influence the way you communicate and how curious you are about exploring relationship topics. So take time to do a body scan and self-assess what state of mind you’re in for having one of many ongoing conversations. Assuming you’re energized, curious and feeling nourished enough, I invite you to seriously reflect on the questions, “Do I want this? What elements am I looking to experience?” Then, check out Jessica Fern’s book, Polysecure, solo or even with a group of friends as a book club. Part 1 talks you through attachment style in a less prescriptive way, so you don’t have to despair over feeling locked into an attachment style. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve encountered, “I’m this way because I have disorganized/anxious/avoidant attachment.” and that’s it. When in reality, each of those labels may have elements of other attachment styles emerging based on who a person is in relationship with and what’s happening in their relational environment. Through an active process of healing in community, it’s possible to learn to recognize triggers and teach friends, lovers, and partners about your emerging needs without writing yourself off.

Clarify What You Want to Explore

Another great groundwork resource is the relationship smorgasbord, a tool you can use to identify different relationship elements that you’re specifically curious about exploring. Be able to say “yes to this, no to that” or identify elements you’re open to trying out. Maybe sleepovers feel exciting to you, but integrating into each other’s daily life isn’t desired. Maybe you’ve never traveled with a partner and you’re open to it, but not interested in sharing your financial landscape. If you’re someone who’s monogamish and you’re dating someone who’s polyamorous, it’s not about changing or compromising your identity for the other person. You can still have conversations that explore where there’s overlapping alignment, and be ready and willing to walk away or deescalate the connection if you run into deal breakers or non-negotiable impasses.

Pace the Conversation and Use Community Thoughtfully

It can be exciting to keep friends and lovers in the loop about your relationship values and yap about how you envision your future, expansive community, and your relationships! Finding communities that are IRL, or virtual affinity group discords with a vetting process and mission statement or code of conduct, can be helpful for not falling into rabbit holes of rejection and isolation rhetoric. Be wary of learning communities that charge you money for access to their relationship hacks: most of this information is freely available online or through your local library.

Opening the Conversation

Starting the conversation can be as stress-free as asking a person what’s on their grocery shopping list. Here are just a few of my recommended openers, but what’s most important to consider is timing and consent. Finding a time that feels good to ask about having a relationship chat is a solid way to give someone space to say, “no, or not right now”. The timing and setting of the conversation needs to work for everyone involved.

  1. Hey, are you open to chatting about relationship styles and what we’re comfortable experiencing/exploring?
  2. I’ve been wanting to explore new ways to be in relationships recently. Is now a good time to chat about our dynamic or structure?
  3. I’ve been listening to this podcast on [relationship models] and would be curious to hear your take if you have time to listen?
  4. Have you read this book / seen this post about [ENM]? I really like this part about…
  5. After dinner / showering / chores / etc… I’d like to chat about our relationship structure if you’re interested and open?
  6. I know it’s our first date so no pressure, but I’m available if you have any questions about how I operate within relationships or care for my community

Resources and ENM-Affirming Support

Books, Educators, and Learning Tools

Monsters in Love by Resmaa Menakem is a great resource for couples that highlights how to engage in healthy conflict and offers concise compass points to reflect on at the end of each chapter. A foundational text for conversations about what love is and isn’t, All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks is one I recommend for overall relationship perspective. The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola is a great resource to find your growth edges and manage hard feelings that can come up in conversation. Sex from Scratch: Making Your Own Relationship Rules by Sarah Mirk offers real people’s vignettes and examples of how to have your own conversations about relationship rules. The Multiamory podcast is another solid resource to explore myriad topics on mutli-partner relationships. Some social media instagram accounts I recommend for role plays and content on how to have ENM conversations or to learn about ENM/polyamory are: @thepolykink.therapist, @decolonizing.love. If you’re looking for coaching that incorporates working with horses in nature, I attended an intensive Couples Learning Lab led by James Wilson and Olivia Velasquez-Weber, ATR-BC, LCAT earlier this year that was well-structured and offered a creative way to identify and practice communication skills towards aligning relationship goals with partners.

Finding ENM-Affirming Professional Support

If you do feel like you’re struggling with discomfort or feeling stuck throughout the conversation, I recommend finding a therapist that is adept at balancing the needs of multi-partner relationships or self-identifies as supportive of ENM, kink, or polyamory. Many times I’ve consulted with individuals and couples who have been shamed, judged, or poorly advised by couples therapists that subscribe to monogamy, uphold oppressive -isms, or project their biases and prejudice onto folx just looking for help with their love lives. Like in all relationships, not every therapist is going to be aligned with your needs and it’s important to trust your gut when you feel any ick moments, especially as early as that initial consultation. I often refer people to a few directories to refine their search for an ENM-competent couples therapist. Manhattan Alternative, PolyFriendly Professionals, and Kink Aware Professionals have members commit to providing LGBT+, Kink & ENM-affirming inclusive care and our specialties are often listed for those seeking disability-justice, neurodivergence, LBGTQIA2S+, or BIPOC-affirming practitioners. Two other noteworthy referral sources that offer Transgender LGBTQIA2S+ and BIPOC-affirming care respectively are Outcare Health and Inclusive Therapists. I also offer individual, couple and multipartner coaching and counseling within my group practice, VNC Therapy New York, located in New York.

Takeaway

Relationships are one of many ways we pass the time on this floating rock and make meaning of our existence. Many people are on the journey of exploring what feels right for them and who their people are. Being comfortable with yourself is an essential part of relating to others in a healthy way. Cultivating the skills needed to navigate conversations, conflict, pleasure and all the exploration that goes into relating with others is an ongoing process that’s often better supported by intentional self-reflection, being in diverse and open-minded communities, and seeking professional support as needed. If you’re curious about anything you read today, it’s a worthwhile endeavor to investigate that curiosity, leaving space to see what new thoughts and ideas arise.