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•By J & L, founders of BeMoreKinky

How to Keep a BDSM Journal

A sex journal or diary is a private or shared record of what happened in your sex life, what you fantasise about, where your boundaries are and how it all felt. Some people use a locked notes file on their phone, some a paper notebook. You write down what got you off and what you want to try next.

While a BDSM journal has been a part of my dynamic for years, when we built out the sex journal in BeMoreKinky, we worked with our community, therapists and researchers to learn about how journaling can improve the erotic experience and relationships.

How to get started with sex journaling?

First, figure out your goals. Are you trying to understand yourself better? Process emotions? Have a written record of your progress?

One place I like to start is just jotting a few lines down after sex or a scene. It doesn't need to be too much, just a few short lines is more than enough. What did you like about it? What could have been better?

One of the big issues is stalling or blanking out. In BeMoreKinky, we added 1000 free shufflable prompts for when this happens. However, if you want to do this in classic pen and paper way, here are some that our community have found most useful:

When we work with couples, they often find these initial prompts to be "lame." Usually, people want to get straight into intense confessions. However, we see time and time again that focusing on the basics is what leads to the kinkiest outcomes:

  • Five things my partner did this week that I appreciated.
  • One thing I want my partner to understand about how this week felt.
  • What did I enjoy most about our last time together?
  • Something I'd like us to try that I haven't brought up yet.
  • One thing my partner does that I want more of.
  • A moment this week when I felt close to my partner outside the bedroom.
  • Something I said yes to that I'd like to talk about again.

Prompts for mismatched desire

  • What was I really wanting when I wanted sex just now?
  • When my partner says no, what story do I tell myself about it?
  • How would I start this conversation without needing it to end in sex?
  • What would a neutral friend who wants the best for both of us say about our last disagreement about sex?

BDSM and kink journal prompts

In a power dynamic, what you share and what you keep to yourself carries more weight. A BDSM journal is where you write up a scene and how it felt, and some of that writing is a report to your dominant and some of it is just yours, so the sharing choice on each entry matters more here than in a vanilla couples journal.

Submissive journal prompts

  • How deep did I go into headspace?
  • Which task felt like service today, and which felt like a chore?
  • What would I want to report back to my dominant?
  • If a command affected my body, what did I notice later?
  • What aftercare did I want?
  • A rule that felt like pressure.
  • A time I wanted to say no but didn't.
  • The name or word I want my dominant to use for me.

If you follow rules or protocols, a service journal is a separate practice for tracking them, and submissive rules covers how that fits into a dynamic.

Dom journal prompts

  • What do I want someone to feel when they give me control?
  • What felt like my responsibility today?
  • Did I want aftercare myself today?
  • What did I see in my partner's body or voice that I want to ask about?
  • Was there a moment I pushed past what we agreed, or nearly did?
  • What do I want to still feel the morning after a power exchange?

If you pushed past something you agreed, tell your partner.

Dominants can drop too, and if your mood sinks in the days after a scene, use the after-scene section below. If you log punishments or discipline, the soft dom punishments guide has a section on discipline journals.

Switch journal prompts

Write about whichever side came out and what the change felt like.

  • Which side did I reach for today, and why?
  • What changed when I swapped roles?
  • What did each role need from me afterwards?
  • What did I get from subbing that I don't get from domming?

What to write after a scene

We find that 88% of couples want to understand what their partner experienced after a scene. A journal entry doesn't replace talking to your partner, but it's something to reference in conversations:

  • The same night: how does my body feel?
  • A few days later: what is my mood?
  • Did what happened match what we agreed?
  • Did either of us safeword or check in, and how did it go?

Want to try journaling?

If you try the BeMoreKinky app, there are over 1000 free journal prompts for understanding yourself, deepening submission or dominance, and connecting more with your partner. Let us know what you think and happy journaling!